Alimony Forever

Shack Up and Collect Moolah From Your Ex? Not So Fast.

Online, Starbucks suggests you try the maple macchiato while hosting a leaf-pile party. "Raking leaves doesn't have to be a chore," runs the descriptive online beverage lineup section. "Invite several friends over for a few minutes of raking (the more the merrier — and the quicker), then spend the rest of the day celebrating."

The local manager of the notoriously tight-lipped company privately offered his own review.

"Between you and me," he said, "it's horrible." Not even with a short stack, he says. And he likes pancakes — no, loves them.

Randi Ross
Randi Ross

Tailpipe, a sucker for anything new, ordered one anyway. It's fine, if you like your coffee with a couple of ladles of Log Cabin (though the 'Pipe did have to stifle an impulse to dig out his cable-knit sweater). This old auto part is joining forces with comedian Denis Leary in the endless search for "coffee-flavored coffee."

Fool Me Twice

After he lost his Motorola Razr at a house party in mid-October, 20-year-old Thivendra Naidoo, of Wellington, had only one recourse: to keep calling his own cell phone number in hopes that a Good Samaritan would answer.

And then one did. The Samaritan in this case didn't talk long — he worried that the battery on Naidoo's phone would go dead. He only had enough time to tell Naidoo to meet him on October 23 at the corner of Paddock Drive and Big Blue Terrace, not far from where Naidoo lived.

They met at that spot, and the Samaritan, a 6-foot-6 man with dreadlocks to his shoulder and a thick goatee, handed Naidoo the cell phone. But as Naidoo turned to leave, the Samaritan pulled out a gun and knocked Naidoo to the ground.

With that, the Samaritan ransacked Naidoo's person, taking a Quiksilver wallet with $40 in cash, a pack of Newport cigarettes, and Naidoo's Phat Farm sneakers.

He also took the cell phone (again) before jumping into his getaway car: a gray Dodge Neon with a young woman at the wheel.

According to Palm Beach Sheriff's Office spokesman Paul Miller, all leads in the case have gone cold, due in part to Naidoo's having broken off communication with detectives. The phone number Naidoo listed in the police report has been disconnected, and he could not be reached for comment. Tailpipe's theory is that he left for Honolulu before the dude with dreadlocks could figure out how to steal his furniture.

A Cup of Relief

A few weeks ago, Tailpipe described the wacky doings on a flight this auto part took from New York to Fort Lauderdale, on which a local CEO whipped out his member and urinated in a cup in the airplane's rear galley.

Gary Levine, honcho of Atlantis Memorial Reef, couldn't wait for a slow-poke passenger to vacate the lavatory and felt compelled to take measures into his own, er, hands. When the lavatory opened up, Levine disposed of his urine, trashed the cup, and returned to his seat. No harm, no foul, right? Well, as Tailpipe reported earlier, another passenger in the last row of the plane had an unfettered view of Levine's little fellah and didn't appreciate it. So he complained to a flight attendant, who then embarrassed the hell out of Levine by scolding him in front of his fellow air travelers. Levine was livid and planned to sue Spirit Airlines over his treatment.

Well, Levine called us up after the story ran to let us know that he's now out of a job. That's right — Atlantis Memorial Reef, which creates artificial reefs out of cremated remains, decided that it didn't appreciate reading about its CEO's relieving himself at 35,000 feet. In his business, Levine explained to Tailpipe, it was crucial that executives exhibit behavior that is beyond reproach. So after a stockholder complained, Levine says he was asked to step down.

Sheez. Although Tailpipe did find Levine's in-flight predicament humorous, this battered cylinder sympathized when Levine said he had handled his emergency the best way he knew how.

But hey, Gary, here's how you can get back at your uptight former employers. Boat out to an Atlantis reef while chugging a gutful of water, jump into the ocean, and take a long, leisurely pee.

Beauty and the Bins

When Randi Ross won the title of Ms. Broward County 2006, did she expect fame and glamour? Slinky gowns, photo shoots, marriage proposals? Well, what she got last week was an invitation — a command performance, really — at a fundraiser called Beauty and the Bins. There, she was to be exhibited surrounded by blue Broward recycling containers. We know what she said last Sunday (it was written ahead of time in a press release). Something about recycling being "one of the most important things that each of us can do personally, every day, to contribute to a healthier environment — and a more beautiful Broward County." Did she then burst into tears, ruining her makeup? Not a pro like Ms. B.C. She carried on, bravely bearing the lonely burden of her beauty.

— As told to Edmund Newton

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