Owen!

At home with Mike Kinsella

The sleaze-tastic ladies of New York City's Avenue D have been helping folks get lucky for years. Their songs, educational in nature, lecture on everything from the festering evils of being "2D2F" ("too drunk to fuck") and the benefits of overt sexuality in "Do I Look Like a Slut?" The scatological tag team revisited its old South Florida stomping grounds last week to remind us of an important lesson: that it's necessary to damage your goods while you're still young enough to enjoy it. The duo also found time to answer questions from a few eager Outtakes readers.

Dear D's,

It's the holidays, and I'm low on funds. But I still need to stuff my boyfriend's stocking — what's a girl to do?

— Hard-Up in Hollywood

Dear Hard-Up,

There are plenty of things you can do to stuff his stocking. Chances are, he's pretty into your ass. So you could always wrap that up nice and pretty, write him a song, cook him something tasty, or just do something he's always wanted to but that you haven't gotten around to doing yet. Use your assets, Hard-Up, and he'll be hard too.

The D's

Dear D's,

So I like this dude, but I'm shy! What's something subtle that I could do to get the message across?

— Blushing in Broward

Dear Blushing,

Do not be subtle. Guys are a bit thick when it comes to chicks. Just play him your favorite Avenue D song and wear your favorite "do me" outfit, and we think he'll get the picture. If that doesn't work, falling into his lap is a classic.

The D's

Dear D's,

I'm having my fiancé's parents over for dinner, and I want them to know that I'm "wife material." What should I cook for dinner, and what kind of music should I play?

— Place setting-picking in Pompano

Dear Picking,

You should know how to cook two things really well. I was recently married and wooed my husband with two dishes: pasta putanesca and peccadillo with rice, beans, and platanos. I suggest pasta putanesca because it is easy to make and tastes like it's not. Just don't tell them that putanesca is what the prostitutes in Italy used to cook way back in the day because it was cheap and easy and you'll be fine! As for music, a little Avenue D always impresses the parents.

The D's. Jamie Laughlin

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