Broward's Village Idiot

"I don't think you're the devil, Larry. I just didn't need to get your life story during the hearings. I didn't need to know you got your teacher's first-ever A-plus, wore all white outfits when you played tennis, had your first child at 50, any of that stuff."

"I've been listening to you, Mama. I feel for you, Mama."

"Good, but I wish you'd listened to the law and stuck with it. She would have already had her funeral by now."

"I run away from services. I can't stand a funeral," Seidlin said. "I don't get into the death part of it. I'm trying to stay alive."

"You see, it's like that. What does that have to do with what we're talking about?"

"You always want to limit my scope... but you're not writing this book," he said, as if trumping me in a card game. "It's not who talks louder; it's who signs the report card in the end. I remember what Halderman told Erlichman: 'We're in the wind... We're just pushing in the wind. '"

"Are you talking about Watergate now?"

Seidlin leaned back in his chair.

"I think I'm starting to understand you, as I did Stern," he said.

"That's ridiculous. You don't know me at all."

"The wheels of justice aren't always round. Sometimes they're square, where it's a bumpy ride, like the Wild West. And I'm not always going to be there with you."

"Why am I even trying with you?"

"Let's get through this day, and tomorrow will be different. You came because you believed this judge may be eccentric enough to get this done."

"This all sounds familiar. Why don't you answer my questions?"

"You're assuming I know stuff. I want the heart. That's what I seek. I want the fire trucks out there, I want to start putting the water on this fire. This is my time to pontifi —"

"Hold on —"

"Don't tell me to hold on. We're a civilized country, America. We have a rule of law, and we have a rule of decency. The rules are the rules of decency and humanity."

There was a thick pause in the air. Then Seidlin smiled, mumbled something about clearing the air, and said, "Now let's give this poor country boy a chance to ask some questions. I have a love of students."

"I'm not a student. I'm a newspaper columnist."

"Don't get slippery with me!"

"Do you need professional help?"

"I don't know what the right answer is here... I want to be able to sleep like a baby tonight. I have to adjust my thinking as the case unfolds."

"Sorry if the questions disturb you, but they need answers. I'm looking for some substance, something that means something."

"I don't want to get into the dark meat of the chicken here," he said wistfully. "I want it soft."

"It's not that easy, judge. The whole legal process was subverted here."

"Who's the villain? Who's the hero? There's black, there's white, there's a lot of gray... Marilyn Monroe, Camelot, the Knights of the Round Table, all for one, one for all, loyalty... "

"This is hopeless. You're just babbling now. I have only one more question."

"Everybody always has one more question," he said with a note of determination. "This is the one you'll never ask."

It was over. I couldn't take it anymore or maybe one of us wouldn't have walked out of that bar erect.

"I'm never going to talk about this case again," he muttered, becoming emotional once more.

I polished off the drink and started for the door.

"Stay loose as a goose!" Judge Seidlin yelled as I began to wend my way through the slot machines.

By all rights, those should be the last words I ever hear Seidlin speak. But I have a feeling we'll see more of Judge Larry. More than any of us ever wanted.

* This quote, like all the words attributed to Seidlin here, was actually uttered by the judge during the Anna Nicole Smith burial hearings at the Broward County Courthouse.