Goldstein Still Screws

Well, New Times, anyway

This battered cylinder can't help but wonder: If Hollywood is an All-America city, what does that say about America?

Weird Florida

The world has had coin currency since, oh, probably 600 BC. And the first paper money showed up in China around the end of the Ninth Century. Even so, for a growing number of South Floridians, it's hard to resist the oldest form of commerce: bartering.

One of the 'Pipe's favorite pastimes is seeing what folks dream up for trading on the local posts of Craigslist.com, if only because it confirms that our South Florida home is still, as Dave Barry once put it, a "howling hurricane of hypocrisy, hokum, and hype." Don't get the 'Pipe wrong: Some proposals make perfect sense, even if they might indulge a bit of wishful thinking. Like the Pembroke Pines biker looking to exchange a sporty Honda racing motorcycle for something more staid but of similar value, like maybe a Harley. His bike, he says on Craigs­list.com, is probably worth $5,500.

Items on a few other wish lists, though, are truly bizarre.

One fellow is looking to exchange 220 tubes of lipstick in a variety of shades for male undergarments, the more sweat on them the better. He appeals to all the ladies out there for help in delivering the goods, writing: "Do you have a hot boy friend, husband prefreabley [sic] older son?"

There's just one catch: The waistbands must be a size 32. Everything else is negotiable, though ideally, for the poster, the original wearer of said unmentionables would be under the age of 30 and white. And in a perfect world, our dirty underwear lover in Lauderdale says he'd get a variety of items out of the trade, like maybe some tighty whities, boxer briefs, bathing trunks, and/or gym shorts.

The strange offerings aren't limited to undies. In Key Biscayne, someone is willing to trade "several" colon cleanings for a good, reliable bicycle.

Then there's a licensed chiropractor in Aventura who'd happily treat your ailments — maybe even with cold laser therapy — in exchange for bass guitar lessons.

And attention, oral surgeons and dentists: There's an awful lot of folks with rotten or missing teeth willing to do just about anything — clean your house, build you a motorcycle, be your personal love slave — for free dental work. Sounds like a bargain, but then again, the 'Pipe never went through dental school.

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