Avenged Sevenfold

While all of you are waiting breathlessly for a mediocre dance-pop album from your favorite glitter-and-Cheeto-dusted "starlet," none of you seem to care that the world's first right-wing screamo-metal album just hit the shelves. I finagled an advance copy of the new self-titled Avenged Sevenfold record. No, it wasn't from the New Times music office. Why? Because they're hip as shit and still listening to all those Joy Division reissues. So I took it upon myself to listen to this muscled-out GN'R but couldn't get past the first track. I didn't realize these guys were Sean Hannity's house band. The first song, "Critical Acclaim," is like listening to conservative talk radio set to a Pantera beat circa Far Beyond Driven. The whole album is practically a salute to the troops, and it witnesses the heavily tattooed band pandering to Middle America flawlessly. Rock 'n' Roll is dead, folks. Long live Rush 'n' Roll. There's some intrinsic value in some of the other bands on this Hot Topic-sponsored tour. So show up early if you're looking to be entertained. As for Avenged Sevenfold, its latest video makes me want to slice the tattoos off my arms with a cheese grater so I don't look in the mirror and become reminded of this band ever again.