By Natalya Jones
By County Grind
By Liz Tracy
By Chris Joseph
By Liz Tracy
By Matt Preira
By Jesse Scheckner
By Michael E. Miller
This has been a sad year for some of our favorite musical artists. Many of them self-destructed to a degree we never even imagined possible, even as we rooted for career salvation. Others inexplicably ruined events we were greatly looking forward to. Instead of analyzing what went wrong, we've chosen not to dwell on the past. Instead, we've asked them all what their New Year's resolutions are as a way of looking to the future.
"How many of these resolutions do I get?"
"It's Britney, bitch, and I'm resolving to finally take care of me, y'all. The judge says I need to start worrying about my kids instead, but what the hell does he know? I can't be no good mom if I'm not, like, mentally healthy and all that. Oh yeah, and I'm trying not to get pregnant again."
"At the moment, I'm suffering from 'health issues,' which my on-again, off-again ex-husband Jack tells me is called 'acute anxiety.' This means I'm susceptible to freaking out whenever my sex tapes are exposed to the general public. So this year, my resolution is to not have sex on camera with someone who looks like they live in a college dorm room."
"I resolve to finally build a career that isn't relevant to what ex-Playmate I'm banging at the time. That and kicking Kid Rock's ass. Shit, gotta go. Rock is coming."
"Oy, oy, I got one now. I resolve to — sniff, sniff — fuck, my nose is bleeding. I'll be right back."
"For 2008, I resolve to — oh, hold on, I just saw Tommy Lee. Slap fight."
"I resolve to inexplicably live through another year, mate."
"In 2008, I resolve to make more money off my band's reunion tour than Sting did with the Police last year."
"This year, I resolve to stop makin' stupid-ass comments about Kanye without contemplatin' the consequences. That's why I'm naming my next album Before I Self-Destruct, 'cause I want to check myself before I wreck myself."
"Yeah, it must be dry in here. Anyways, I've got a wicked resolution for you. No, wait, forgot. Oh yeah... wait. I resolve to finally go to rehab, despite obvious issues with authority that have prevented me from doing it before. If I can only remember..."