Sex and the Ditty

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Unless you're R. Kelly, in which case it's probably something else.

Details

R. Kelly performs with Keyshia Cole and J. Holiday on Monday, December 31, at American Airlines Arena, 601 Biscayne Blvd., Miami. The show starts at 7:30 p.m., and tickets cost $45 to $100. Visit www.ticketmaster.com.

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More About

• R. Kelly
• Rick James
• Jay-Z
• Ne-Yo
• Skittles

Rick James had it wrong. That girl he sang about in "Super Freak"? She doesn't even come close to the world's freakiest super freak: R. Kelly. The R&B chart-topper, alleged pedophile, and consummate booty-lover can't even tour without causing tons of controversy.

A few years ago, Kelly abruptly left his and Jay-Z's coheadlining Best of Both Worlds Tour after he claimed to have been maced backstage by one of Hov's handlers. Just a few weeks ago, singer Ne-Yo left Kelly's current Double Up Tour for unknown reasons. Kelly also recently lost his longtime publicist, allegedly because the singer slept with her stepdaughter.

And things don't get much freakier than Trapped in the Closet, Kelly's ongoing saga about philandering spouses, gay husbands, and horny midgets. Now 22 chapters strong, Closet has become one of pop music's most bizarre works. Ever.

At least Kelly keeps his sexual metaphors in check throughout most of Closet's myriad twists and turns — which is more than can be said for the majority of his other songs. The Double Up Tour comes to town this week. To mark the occasion, we offer some of Kelly's all-time greatest sexual metaphors. From musical instruments to galaxy-hopping astronauts, nothing escapes the breadth of Kelly's booty-obsessed rhymes.

"You Remind Me of Something" (from R. Kelly, 1995): "You remind me of my Jeep, I wanna ride it/Something like my sound, I wanna pump it/Girl, you look just like my cars, I wanna wax it/And something like my bank account, I wanna spend it." Beep-beep!

"In the Kitchen" (from TP.3 Reloaded, 2005): "Girl, I'm ready to toss your salad/While I'm making love, girl, I'll be feasting/Girl, you're in the kitchen, sweating up a storm/The oven's on 500/So you know the kitchen's warm/Girl, you know just how to get into a brother's mind/Cuz here we are still in this kitchen/Doing it for the third time." Yummy!

"Remote Control" (TP.3 Reloaded): "I'll be your remote/Touch me, turn me on, make me sing a song/Now put me on slow/Baby, push 'enter,' now 'fast forward'/Girl, you got me programmed, under your control/Something about the way you turn it over and poke it out/Said it makes me want to grab the remote and put that ass on pause." Click!

"Sweet Tooth" (from Double Up, 2007): "Got a sweet tooth for you, girl/Baby, I'm tempted to taste/I can't wait to drink your milk/You're looking like a big ol' piece of cake/I'm all up in your middle/Ooh, it taste like Skittles." Sweet!

"Sex Planet" (Double Up): "Now it's just us both/I've got the controls in the middle of darkness/Girl, relax and just flow/I'm about to twinkle it and touch your soul/Once I enter into your black hole/Girl, now that you're next to me, we'll be just like satellites/Watching over the Earth, we'll make space our paradise/Girl, I promise this will be painless/We'll take a trip to planet Uranus." All aboard!