By Michael E. Miller
By Allie Conti
By Keegan Hamilton and Francisco Alvarado
By Jake Rossen
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By Kyle Swenson
By Chris Joseph
By Michael E. Miller
Nor would he gloat about Detroit's already being favored to win the World Series, before spring training has even begun: "We'll take it one game at a time."
The tepidness of his comments was starting to make the five Republican oysters-on-the-half-shell, just then tossing marshmallows at each other in Boca, look like Roman gladiators.
Did Willis relish the fact that, while the Marlins always play to a mostly-empty stadium, Tigers tickets are now selling out? Would it be stressful to play in front of 41,000 fans?
"Detroit already had great attendance before me," he said humbly. "I'm very blessed to play baseball, whether it's in front of 5,000 people or 55,000, whether they came out to root for me or boo me. That's not stressful. Stressful is traffic."
Well, what would he do with all that extra cash — $29 million over three years?
"I don't know," he said looking honestly befuddled. "Give it to my family?"
"Ooh, a car wash sounds pretty cool," he said thoughtfully. "I'm always at the car wash, so I might as well buy one."
It's the Dimples, Darlin'
It's six feet tall and decorated with colorful flashing lights and tiny painted naked women. At the top there's an aluminum bucket of ice and out the bottom shoots ice-cold, delicious injections of liquor — from a fiberglass mold of a woman's rear end. This is "The Shot Machine" and it's coming to Fort Lauderdale.
The sexy, booze-shooting beast was made by Tom Bostic, a customizer from the MTV show Pimp My Ride. Bostic spent six months on the contraption, building it for Todd Crawford, owner of Lovevoodoo.com, an online "lifestyle" dating site. This week, Crawford will present the shot machine to Trapeze, the giant swingers club in Fort Lauderdale (a gift to crude swingers everywhere), where the machine will reside for the next year.
"The first time I saw this thing, I just looked at it and said, 'That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen,'" Crawford says. "Someone pours the liquor you like into the bucket, you hold your mouth up to the bottom. Then you get a cold shot right in your mouth."
Crawford, who lives in Maryland but travels to "lifestyle" clubs across the country to promote his dating service, says he used to bring an ice luge to every party. "It was just too difficult moving a giant block of ice everywhere I went, so I asked Tom to build me something special."
He says he was a little worried what that special something would look like when he started seeing the expense reports. "I'd see receipts for, like, liquid latex and liquid Plexiglas and structural adhesive. I just gave him the money and I had no idea what to expect."
When he saw the finished shot machine, Crawford thought the shot-dispensing tush looked familiar. "I asked him straight-up, 'Is that your wife's ass?'" Crawford says. "She was standing right there. She started turning red and yelled at him, 'I told you people would know. I told you!'"
Crawford says Bostic had his wife, Sherry, pose for two hours with liquid latex smeared over her bottom half. When the mold was cast and colored, Bostic added an airbrushed tattoo to one cheek.
With the one-of-a-kind dispenser residing in South Florida, Crawford says he'd like to have another made soon. The problem, he says: "We're having trouble getting someone to pose for the new one." So? "We'll probably just get my wife to do it."
When the American descendents of lads and lasses gather at dusty fairgrounds for so-called Scottish festivals, ancient clan loyalties resurface. Among the clans, few surnames inspire more enmity than that of Campbell, the family that is widely blamed with helping to install, then enforce, English rule in Scotland.
Last month at the Fort Lauderdale celebration, Dave Wiser-MacAllister of Sebring had just one objective: recruit enough broad-shouldered men from various clans to defeat the Campbells in a tug-of-war match.
For Wiser-MacAllister, 54, the feud is personal. When he researched his family history a few years back, he discovered a horrendous tale of adultery and murder inflicted on a MacAllister by a Campbell. "Many eons ago," Wiser-MacAllister begins in a Southern U.S. accent that has less Scotch in it than a teetotalin' Arab sheik, "a Campbell guy married a real hot MacAllister. But then he got a good look at her handmaid, who was a 15 on the hotness scale. So he locked Mrs. Campbell up in a tower and had a six-month party with the handmaid."
Poor Mrs. Campbell, the story goes, died of starvation.
Similar stories abound in Scottish folklore... including the infamous "massacre of Glencoe," when Campbells reputedly eliminated members of the McDonald clan as per the king's orders. Cliff Campbell, a blue-eyed septuagenarian and Campbell clan trustee from Ormond Beach, Florida, chuckles at the allegations. He once snapped a picture of himself with a pint next to a sign inside a Glencoe, Scotland, pub that read: "No whores or Campbells served here." Surely no loathing lingers at this late stage? Cliff attributes some of the clan-wide bitterness to the Campbells' knack for being on the winning side of disputes in the old country. "The Duke of Argyll could muster 5,000 men in one day," he says.