Somebody Cue Up the Stevie B.

Bootie bass maestro José El Reyis multitasking. In addition to his full time job (Player), he’s also throwing down some new tracks in a Miami studio when we call. Fortunately, he has a portable telephone, a patio, and many big thoughts to share. Otherwise, we might never know about the clam shell. Or the tuxedo.

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See, the Rey’s dear friend Yaris Laydy is about to become a woman. She turns 15 on Wednesday night, and everyone (even you) is invited to her quinceañera.If you aren’t familiar with quince customs, here’s what you must know, straight from José El Rey: “A quinceañera is kinda like a junior prom, because you get to dress fancy and make out -- but we will have a chaperone. My friend Slim Biscayne will be making sure that nobody is stealing any bases.” Also, the special lady must make a grand entrance: “The ‘Swing in the Moon’ is a popular choice, so is coming through an archway, or popping out of a clam shell,” notes El Rey, who will also be performing at the event. Regardless of how she arrives, the girl herself is the main focal point: “She is kind of like a wife who is getting married to no one.” But as with any fancy party, you can’t dress like a slouch. José El Rey is planning an outfit as spectacular as his top secret serenade (there’s rumor of “Diamond Girl”). “I’m thinking about renting a nice tuxedo,” says the Rey. “Hopefully, they have something shiny and pink, or shiny and blue, or ruffly and slippery so that I don’t have to wear the underwears under it,” he says, before reconsidering. “But then I’m renting it, and I don’t want to catch any of the diseases…”

Tonight’s jam also features a commemorative photo slide show of Yaris Laydy’s most embarrassing life moments, created and presented by co-conspirator Aholsniffsglue, and also music by DJs galore. For refreshments, enjoy a whole roasted pig. Yes. This is really happening. Check it all out at tonight at The Vagabond (30 NE 14th St., Miami) for the premiere night of ¿Que Pasa MIA? Doors are at 10 p.m. Visit myspace.com/quepasamia, or RSVP for reduced admission and bottle service to que.pasa.mia@gmail.com.
Wed., April 30, 2008