By Natalya Jones
By Liz Tracy
By Anthony Hernandez
By Stacey Russell
By C. Townsend Rizzo
By Liz Tracy
By Falyn Freyman
By David Rolland
Courtney Love: Oh, where do we begin? Let's see, there was the 1992 Vanity Fair article in which Love discussed her alleged heroin use during the first trimester of Frances Bean's fetal life; Child Services removed Frances Bean for a spell after that verbal diarrhea. In 2003, Child Services took custody of Frances Bean again. Love's regular appearances in criminal court on drug-related charges might've had something to do with it. The same year, Love overdosed on oxycontin — which must have just sounded cooler overdosing on than heroin. She's got her 14-year-old daughter back now, but one can only wonder how comfortable Mother's Day dinners must be around this household.
Whitney Houston: After 14 years of seeming bliss together, Houston's and Bobby Brown's marriage ended last year. That's ironic, since they had just spent 2005 starring in the reality series Being Bobby Brown — every episode of which documented the hilarious day-to-day lives the former addicts shared together in bliss. Brown, who seems to get arrested more than Pete Doherty, actually came across as the stable one in the relationship, if that's any indication of Houston's maternal stability. Now she's banging Ray-J (16 years her junior), so at least Houston's daughter, Bobbi Kristina, has a playmate.
Britney Spears: Do you know how hard it is to lose full custody of your kids? Dropping your kid on his head won't do it (go, Britney). Driving recklessly with him in the car or letting him take the wheel won't do it either (go, Britney, go). It takes a high level of parental ignorance — or, if you're Britney, just skip most of your custody hearings. We're sure her kids are looking forward to this Mother's Day; we just hope they bring helmets.
Pamela Anderson: Anderson ain't exactly a rock-star mom, but she's done enough rock stars, been married to enough, and had enough kids by them to qualify as not only a rock-star MILF but also one of the zaniest mothers we can think of peripherally connected to the music industry. If you're a famous musician, party with porn stars, and suffer anger-management issues, then Pamela Anderson will probably invite you into her children's lives. Over and over again.
Sharon Osbourne: She's done a good job thus far of making sure her kids are more sane than their father, legendary Black Sabbath icon Ozzy Osbourne — and that's to be commended. But her kids are still pretty creepy, and they're currently battling numerous addictions, just like their parents. While Ozzy is clearly, if not clinically, insane, Sharon's cutthroat business tactics and involvement in the music industry must have left a gap in her ability to raise her own children. And she's also had enough plastic surgery to give any kid a warped sense of reality.
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