By Liz Tracy
By David Rolland
By Alex Rendon
By Terrence McCoy
By Natalya Jones
By County Grind
By Liz Tracy
By Chris Joseph
"Gold diggers," supplied Ian.
"They just want their money," Sami continued. "Don't they know there are young, good-looking men with money too?" He seemed to be talking about himself.
"So go get yourself a gold digger," I said.
"I don't want a gold digger," Sami complained. "I'm a down-to-Earth guy."
"You're a nightlife columnist," Ian said. "Where can we find some down-to-Earth girls?"
"Not here," I said.
Next round: I decided to venture back into the throngs of bloodthirsty bachelors and cackling 40-somethings. I ended up in front of Elise and Dawn, two well-dressed blonds who seemed to be having a great time.
"You ladies having fun tonight?" I asked.
"Yeah, I love this place," Dawn said. "Good atmosphere. Did you know it stands for 'You Only Live Once'?"
"I didn't know that," Elise said. She reminded me of her name by saying "a mortgage, a loan, Elise."
"It's on the sign," Dawn said.
"Well, what if you had only one night to live?" I asked.
"I sure wouldn't be here," Dawn said.
"I'd probably waste the whole night thinking," Elise said. Still more productive than wasting a whole night drinking, I thought.
Fire pit: Drink number three, this one a grape vodka martini, and they were still going down smoothly. I bantered with a drunk psychologist and heard a blond shout out a universal complaint: "I looked so much better earlier this evening!"
As the crowd was thinning out, I caught sight of an attractive couple near the fire. Blond Britney pointed out tipsily that her name is spelled the same way as the singer's, and Liston was slender and seemed intelligent, although I was drunk. When I asked what they were doing at YOLO, they said, almost in unison: "Third date."
"How's it going?" I asked.
"Very well," Liston said.
"Oh, you think so. But does she think so?" I nodded at Britney, who flashed me a knock-your-socks-off smile.
"All right, guys, here's my question of the evening," I paused for dramatic effect. "What would you do with one night to live? Besides sex."
"I'd have fast sex first," Britney said.
"I can't help you with 'fast' sex," Liston quipped. Then: "I'd spend time with my family."
"I'd do other things too," Britney said. Then after a pause: "What would you do?"
"Uh... I don't know," I said.
Honestly, I had no idea. Here I was asking people that very question all night, and the only thing I could come up with is that I didn't need another martini. I milled back over to my friends and got the check, which was way too fucking much. As a little bit of the alcohol wore off, I considered: If I had only one night to live, I would like to think it would end at a place with Bud signs in the window. But I won't say I wouldn't run up a bar tab at YOLO somewhere in the middle. Jason Crosby