Wondering How to Pronounce Fuci-Fino? Fuck If We Know.

I was at Fuci-Fino’s, chatting with the good-old-boy bartender. It was Wednesday, the night the place does its Scaryoke — hardcore karaoke for goths. It brings out a playful crowd of spiked, tattooed, and pierced vamps, rockers, and punks.

Suddenly the music started and a booze-addled karaoke performer stepped onto the stage, gripping the mic with the air of confidence only a few buckets of beer can bring. He wore an American-flag-patterned bandanna and camouflage pants. He shuffled mechanically to the beat. I was expecting a throaty Marilyn Manson chorus, a Cradle of Filth yowl, or even a high, clear note from something like Iron Maiden's "Number of the Beast."

"Like a virgin," the performer grunted, staccato-like, sentences into the mic. "Touched for the very first time..."

Jason Crosby

Details

Johnny's Fuci-Fino's Sports Bar and Grill 2500 W. Oakland Park Blvd., Oakland Park. Call 954-733-1985, or visit fuci-finos.com

It had already taken me too long to figure out how to pronounce Fuci-Fino's name — yes, it is pronounced just like that. Now I have to figure out the crowd? Fuci-Fino.

Ambiance: The place is a low-lit, smoky, quintessential sports dive bar. Basketball flashes on the TVs around the elongated, U-shaped bar. Patrons sit slumped in high wooden chairs drinking buckets of booze. Bras of all colors and sizes dangle from the ceiling like a disembodied Victoria's Secret fashion show. Nearby, a stripper pole guards the entrance to the restrooms, and thongs mounted like sexy hunting trophies dot the adjacent wall. After carefully scanning the room in a quick check for anyone possibly bra- or pantyless, I snatched a spot at the glossy wood bar smack-dab in front of a huge decorative glass of fake, honey-colored beer. Gathered near the karaoke stage was a slight sprinkling of black-clad headbangers with leather jackets on and electric colors in their hair — you know, the types who spent slightly more time in a mosh pit than Bible school.

Bartender: Shawn, the mustached bartender, pushed me a brew and told me he practically lived across the street from the bar.

"I've been coming here since I was 19," he said. "And that was so long ago that, at the time, 19 was still the legal drinking age."

"What's going on tonight?" I asked.

"Scaryoke," Shawn said. "It's usually a younger crowd of people who want to sing harder music. I'd prefer just some Led Zeppelin, from my day, but whatever. You see the really interesting getups in here tonight."

Patrons: Just then, a petite girl named Morgan sidled up beside me and ordered a bucket of beers.

She leaned over and poked the fake froth on the decoration beer in front of me as she was waiting.

"What are you going to sing?" I asked her.

"I wanted to do Metallica's 'Last Caress,' but they didn't have it," Morgan said. Then she barked out a few of the lyrics: "I've got somethin' to say! I killed your baby today!" Metallica and dead babies? That sounds like the stuff a hardcore karaoke night should be made of.

I turned to her blond friend. "What about you?"

"No way," she said.

"What if we liquor you up?" I asked.

"Then I'll be drunk and eventually pass out," she said. "But I won't sing."

Nocturnal beasts: When the camouflaged Madonna warbler had returned to the bar — and ordered another bucket of beer bottles — I walked over to him. His name was Tony, and he was conversing with Thomas, a stoic, blond gentleman. Thomas was more the type to come in Fuci-Fino's to top the high score on the punch-bag arcade game than, say, leap on stage and belt out a Lacuna Coil song.

"Nice job on that Madonna song," I told Tony. "What's going on here tonight?"

"Basically, you get all your trench-coat-mafia types out tonight." He pointed to a man in a very long trench coat. "This is karaoke for the 'nocturnal beasts.' " 

"I'm sure they wouldn't appreciate you calling them that," I said, looking out to the crowd. It seemed like, in a matter of minutes, the whole bar was packed with a friendly but aesthetically frightening, black-clad crowd. Sexy goth chicks and long-haired headbanger boys had taken over the place; piercings glinted in the low light; and tattoos peeked out from under midriff-bearing, black lacy corsets.

"They would so," Tony argued. "They'd kiss me for it." Sounded to me like Tony just wants to make out with someone wearing a tongue ring.

"So what's your story?" I asked.

"I was in the Marines for six years," he said. "Also, I'm full of energy."

"And alcohol," I observed. He offered me a bottle from his bucket of beer.

"Well, after you've seen a brother's eyeball get shot onto your leg in combat, you get a different look on life," he said. No shit. If this guy wanted to get drunk and sing Madonna to a bunch of goth kids, well, sounds like he'd earned that right.

A few minutes later, one of the lovely lady bartenders bought me a shot: a delicious redheaded slut — the shot, not the bartender, though she did look delicious too. I swallowed it so fast that it elicited an impressed whoop from my hardened military-man acquaintance. 

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