If Renaissance festivals need a mascot, theres no better choice than Petrarch. A 14th-century Italian poet who invented the sonnet, Petrarch also had the worlds most well-documented and horrific case of blue balls. Over the course of 21 years, P-diddy wrote more than 300 odes to Laura, a woman he never got with probably because he was a poet. And trust us, if you spend your weekends dressed in Shakespearean velvet garb, drinking from goblets, and sprinkling your speech with thee and thou, you are not getting laid.
Unless of course, you filthy bugger, you favor the wenches and witches. Then, our sandal-footed friend, the Florida Renaissance Festival is your own personal strip club. Hit on Bertha by the jousting tournament. Challenge Brunhilda to a game of chess. (Loser takes off his codpiece.) Buy Hildegard a Scotch egg. Blow glass with Bronwyn. Basically, don your best tunic and show up to Virginia Key Park on Key Biscayne anytime between 10 a.m. and sundown this Sunday, and youll be up to your hosen in ladies who cant wait to come hither. Tickets cost $20, and, no, you cant barter for them with a homemade candle.
Sat., Jan. 9; Sun., Jan. 10, 2010