By Michael E. Miller
By Allie Conti
By Keegan Hamilton and Francisco Alvarado
By Jake Rossen
By Allie Conti
By Kyle Swenson
By Chris Joseph
By Michael E. Miller
We want you to behave like you are out with your parents. We're providing a fantasy world. Don't get caught up in the illusion.
IS YOUR PROSTITUTE A COP?
Plenty of cops will be conducting prostitution stings this week. Sadly, short of witnessing her have sex with your friend, there's no sure-fire way of knowing that the prostitute you're trying to patronize is not an undercover officer. So we spoke with a few local prostitutes, both male and female, and put together some tips to help make your exchange of money for sex in South Florida a little less awkward. Here are some clues that your would-be hooker could be a cop:
She's in a rush. "Working girls want your money, simple as that," says a local escort we'll call Amber. "They'll take the time if they think it'll pay off in the end." Police officers posing as decoys want to arrest as many people as possible that night and don't want to have a conversation longer than one minute with any of them.
She looks too good. She is. Police want to attract as many men as possible, so they aren't going to use an unattractive decoy. If she seems out of place strolling along Federal Highway or sitting in a shabby motel room, you might be looking at five-0.
She doesn't do drugs. If the man or woman you're feeling out is unwilling to partake in whatever mild drugs you may be offering, there's a decent chance that person is a police officer. The good news is that you know. The bad news is that you just offered drugs to a cop.
She mentions money. Prostitutes generally call the cash being exchanged a "donation," often referring to the dollar amount in "roses" or "kisses." If she seems quick to talk about money, mosey on out of there, cowboy.
She won't get naked. Police officers won't want to take off their clothes for you. A prostitute who believes it will lead to a sale probably will. Also, it's not illegal to ask someone to pose for naked photos.
She says she's not a cop. Just remember, there's no law that says police officers can't lie to you.
DECODING ESCORT ADS
There are plenty of adult-services ads all across the internet and free publications (like the one you're reading), but finding the right prostitute can be hard enough without having to figure out all of the industry jargon. Below is a legend for decoding those ads.
Incall — You drive to the prostitute, usually at a hotel.
Outcall — The prostitute comes to you.
LFK — Light French kissing, open mouth maybe, but no making out.
DFK — Making out is a go.
BBBJ — Bareback blowjob, or oral sex without a condom.
CBJ — Covered blowjob, AKA oral sex with a condom.
DATY — Dining at the "Y" is a male performing oral sex on a female.
K9 — The prostitute is willing to allow entry from behind, though not necessarily anal.
Greek (or speak Greek, trip to Athens) — The escort is willing to participate in anal intercourse.
HH — Half-hour, generally accompanied by a monetary amount.
GFE — Girlfriend experience means you get her affection, in addition to her body. This might include going on dates, kissing on the mouth, or role-playing.
PSE — Porn star experience can include dynamic positioning, moaning, and the general showmanship of adult cinema.
Getting Wasted in Paradise
Even if the local cocaine industry isn't what it used to be, South Florida remains the drug's cultural capital of the world. Some locals think it's their civic duty to powder their noses as if Boy George were still on the Top 40, and tourists won't allow themselves to visit without sampling an eight-ball — that would be like going to San Francisco without taking a trolley ride. And loose laws have once again made South Florida the undisputed champion when it comes to another type of drug: the pain pill, available for little hassle at the ubiquitous local dispensary. Sure, they produce a more floaty high than you get from coke, but pain pills achieve the most important objective of any drug: They make techno music bearable.
Procuring Party Pills
Prescription pill addiction is among the most insidious, degenerate afflictions known to man, ripping apart bodies, families, and the health-care system. Your problem: You didn't want to risk transporting the ridiculously disgusting number of pills you and your friends are going to need for your time in South Florida. Or maybe you've heard about all the pill dispensaries down here and you're thinking, When in Rome... Either way, if you're looking for somewhere to score pills, you've come to the right place.
In 2008, about half of the illegal prescription drugs in this country came from the Sunshine State, according to the Drug Enforcement Agency. In Florida, OxyContin and Xanax aren't the new cocaine; they're coke, plus heroin, pot, meth, and all hallucinogens combined. Three times as many people here die from prescription pills than from all other drugs combined, according to a Florida Medical Examiners Commission report that was published in 2008.