By Michael E. Miller
By Allie Conti
By Keegan Hamilton and Francisco Alvarado
By Jake Rossen
By Allie Conti
By Kyle Swenson
By Chris Joseph
By Michael E. Miller
Who cops this way: Prostitutes looking to cut out the middle man, Second Lifers who haven't slept in four days, and, sadly, your little sister.
How the conversation starts: "This ski lift is looking for a cute snow bunny 4 a night-long ride on the slopes! Tons of frost! Come ride the slalom!"
Pros: Well, free coke.
Cons: You have to have sex with a very disgusting, dirty, and chubby man.
On the corner
Who cops this way: Individuals who are known around the neighborhood only as "Pink Eye," "Loose Linda," or "That guy who's always trying to sell me a broken VCR."
How the conversation starts: "Red tops! We got red tops!"
Pros: Just $5! (Also, some dealers take stolen jewelry.)
Cons: That's pure laxative you're about to smoke. And that's a cop across the street in the Buick LeSabre. And, man, wasn't that your great-uncle's graduation ring?
From an undercover law enforcement official
Who cops this way: That guy Diamond Larry whom you used to make runs with.
How the conversation starts: "Hey bro, it's Diamond Larry. Just made bond, man! What can I say, I got a great lawyer. Hey, listen, wanna make another run?"
Pros: The cops want you to help them nab the guy one step higher up the food chain than you. And you never liked Manolo anyway.
NIFTY PLACES TO GET BUZZED IN SOUTH FLORIDA Nifty Places to Get Buzzed in South Florida
Disclaimer: Consuming or acting under the influence of any type of inebriant in any of these places significantly increases your chances of death and/or incarceration.
It's isolated, dark, quiet, and you're surrounded by nature. The long Florida sky twinkles every night over the swamp. There are police, though, and the physical risks are obvious: killer gators, pythons, panthers, skunk apes, and drunken swamp men.
A high-rise balcony
The fourth Nickelback song of the night just played on the stereo, and the party you're at is beyond salvageable. Outside, though, the cool kids are passing around something to make this awkward debacle a little more bearable. The view is great from any high-rise in South Florida, but death is just one misstep away.
Your bar bathroom
In Miami, it might be in a strip club. In Fort Lauderdale, it could be an old spring break bar along the beach. In Palm Beach, you would be at a swanky, gilded restaurant, one sink over from a hedge-fund manager looking to share. True Florida debauchery.
Golf or disc golf course
Often overlooked and forgotten, this place requires some planning and scouting. But if it's a beautiful day and you're with buddies in the woods between the fourth and fifth holes, who could blame you? On the other hand, getting kicked out of a club is really embarrassing, and going to jail in golf clothes is an unbelievable nightmare.
Of course. You're in Florida. You wouldn't be a complete degenerate wannabe reality star if you didn't take your partying to the beach at least one time. Beware the angry parents, the beach cops, and the sharks, in that order.
Betting Big South Florida Style
Every time you pull onto I-95, you're gambling with your life. But for the truly debauched, that isn't enough. You need the extra thrill. You crave that moment when you learn whether you'll be dining on steak and fine wine for a week or you'll be cursing the world with a wad of losing betting stubs in each hand, trying to figure out how you're going to tell the wife that you lost the kids' college fund.
Well, South Florida has dozens of ways you can satisfy that urge to risk your rent money. Before pro football and spring break, the main tourist attraction in these parts was the pari-mutuels — the horse tracks, the dog tracks, the jai-alai frontons (where you can bet on men who barely speak English flinging a goat-skinned puck about 200 miles per hour). In the past few years, most of those places have added rows upon rows of slot machines and crowded poker rooms. These days, all across South Florida, at any hour of the day, you can find chips clacking and slot machines rocking. Here's a guide to help avoid going belly-up in the first few hours.
PLAYERS YOU'LL MEET AT YOUR POKER TABLE
There's something beautiful about the bond poker players share in South Florida. In a place full of dazzling beaches, fine dining, and nonstop nightlife, these men (and a few women) would rather be in a dark room, sitting around a table of strangers and staring at cards. Make no mistake; that mutual agreement doesn't preclude anyone from taking all of your money in a single hand. The maximum buy-in everywhere is still $100 (that's going up soon), but chip stacks rise and crumble with veritable ease.
So it helps to know who you'll be seeing at the tables. Here are some players you might run into around South Florida:
He's been receiving Social Security for quite some time now. He doesn't see his family, but he sees the same degenerates in the card room every day without fail. Randy talks to the dealer so much that it makes everyone at the table feel weird. Don't worry, though; he'll leave the table when they open the dinner buffet.