Bizarro DTMFA

Fem Fetish Frosh

This probably isn't what you want to hear, FFF, but here goes: You alone will ultimately never be able to fulfill your boyfriend entirely, just as he alone will never be able to fulfill you entirely. One person simply can't be all things to another person — sexually or otherwise — and unmet needs, unfulfilled desires, and unexplored possibilities are prices we pay to be in LTRs. Monogamous, polyamorous, femdom, or whatever: All coupled people walk around feeling a little unfulfilled. (Single people too.) Because no one gets everything he or she wants.

So, FFF, while some aspects of the polyamorous lifestyle appeal to your boyfriend, he has decided he prefers the kind of relationship he's in now, with its perks and drawbacks, to the hypothetical polyamorous scenarios he used to contemplate, which would've had their own perks and drawbacks. I'd say your relationship is doomed only if you can't bring yourself to take his "yes" — yes to you, yes to monoamory — for an answer.

Dear Dan: My husband and I have been together for three years, and we're not having as much sex as we used to. A big part of the problem: In the time we've been together, he's put on a lot of weight. I'm not looking to blame his weight gain for my libido issues. I just need to shut up and put out more, and I'm working on that. But I'm wondering if it's ethical to suggest incentivizing his weight loss with more sex. Sex every time he drops three pounds followed by sex once a week once he hits his target weight? I don't think losing the beer belly will make me want to drop my pants all the time, but it couldn't hurt, right?

Like Boys Slimmer

If you think your husband would respond positively to the challenge — if he's not weepily sensitive about his weight, if he likes set goals and specific rewards — I think you should toss this proposal on the table right next to that bag of Doritos. Of course, I couldn't give you the same advice if the genders were reversed because, well, it looks like we're out of room. So we'll have to leave the gendered politics of fat for a future column.

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