How to Speak Republican: Leaked Document Reveals the Secrets of the GOP's Coded Language

Next week, the Republican Party will convene in Tampa to plot world domination. And you're feeling left out.

Yes, you badly want in on the ground floor of the next culture war or invasion of a small, preferably Muslim country. Yet the GOP speaks in an elusive language only its followers understand. With just a few coded words, it's able to mobilize the loyalists -- while simultaneously dismissing everyone else as un-American and quite possibly queer.

Rosetta Stone offers no help, for this is a dialect only deciphered with written authorization from Jesus or Goldman Sachs. You worry the march to Godliness will go forth without you. You'll be left behind with Rosie O'Donnell and those eco-fairies who bicycle to work.

Rick Sealock

Yet a recently leaked glossary lays bare the mystery of the Republican tongue. Now you too can speak with the superiority of talk radio hosts and pissed off old guys who live in mobile home parks on the outskirts of Jacksonville. Enjoy your seat at the right hand of God!

Abortion: Reproductive issue best decided by preachers from rural Georgia who believe babies are conceived by using public restrooms.

American: True patriot who hates all the right things, including but not exclusive to: taxes, unbreaded chicken, California, female sportscasters, the Toyota Prius, people who speak Mexican, BET, free range vegetables, public radio, Al Sharpton, whales...

Apologizing: The treasonous admission that America is not always perfect. Usually committed by people who can't even tastefully match their cowboy boots with their firearms.

Bain Capital: Massachusetts investment firm celebrated for providing investors with huge returns by laying off thousands of workers, cutting health care benefits, and shipping jobs to those places where foreigners live. Will serve as the model for U.S. economic recovery once the infidel is smited.

Barack Hussein Obama: Muslim foreigner illegally elected president to pursue the socialist agenda of Karl Marx, regarded as the least funny brother of the famed comedic troupe.

Bible: Historical novel starring omnipotent being who sentences others to eternal damnation unless they do what he says. Think of Pat Robertson, only with a hillbilly beard and the ability to part seas.

Chick-fil-A: Baptist version of eating kosher. Only sells chickens that have provided a documented history of heterosexuality to a commission of small-town Chamber of Commerce officials.

Christian: GOP delegate who's devoted his life to Jesus, handguns and repealing the Clean Water Act. Will be doing missionary work at Tampa gentlemen's clubs next week. At least that's what he'll tell his wife when the MasterCard bill arrives, LOL!

Christian Persecution: When school board bars teacher from conducting faith healing sessions in his seventh grade biology class.

Class Warfare: Indefensible act of pitting America against the wealthy, but perfectly reasonable when mocking moms on welfare so they'll finally learn not to wear spandex with a butt that size.

College: American version of Maoist reeducation camp, where liberal professors encourage impressionable youth to enjoy critical thinking, Jager shots and recreational intercourse.

Constitutional Conservatism: Belief that our founding document should be strictly interpreted -- even though it was written by guys who wore wigs and capri pants but were definitely not trannies, since that hadn't even been invented yet.

Corporation: Most evolved species of mammal. Designated by Supreme Court as the legal equivalent to people, only better because they can afford to buy congressmen and box seats to the Texas Rangers.

Entitlement Society: Large corporations who demand public subsidies every time they build a facility, move their headquarters, or threaten to relocate to Botswana or Mississippi. Wait. No. Scratch that.

Environment: Convenient place to dump car batteries and kitchen appliances. While lamestream media insists on its preservation, studies by the business faculty at Liberty University business faculty prove that beavers actually like swimming in hydrochloric acid because it improves their skin tone.

Evolution: Fraudulent theory that man evolved from ape. Have you ever seen an ape with jugs like Jessica Simpson's?

Feminazis: Ingrate women who use the word "Ewwww!" when Rush Limbaugh tries to buy them a Sex on the Beach at hotel bars in Boca Raton.

Food Stamp President: Did we mention that Obama's a negro? And that he's probably a Muslim?

Founding Fathers: Early visionaries who built a start-up country to escape the tyranny of England. Based on the theory that we could more cost-effectively do our own tyranny.

Free Market: Utopian world where corporations are allowed to conduct business without interference from price fixing, consumer protection or child labor laws.

Global Warming: Theory shared by 99 percent of the world's scientists that man-made pollution is warming the Earth's atmosphere. Easily discredited by pointing to that one day in February when it was pretty cold.

Gotcha Journalism: Shameful media practice pioneered by Katie Couric in which she uses duplicitous interview tactics – often called "questions" -- to get vice presidential candidates to admit they can't read.

Homosexual agenda: Conspiracy co-chaired by Satan and Neil Patrick Harris to convince America's youth to quit football and pursue careers as botanists and defense lawyers.

Illegals: American slang for "Mexican." Also: Anyone skilled in the operation of a leaf blower.

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