By Natalya Jones
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By Michael E. Miller
Madonna is a dirty old lady. And though she wasn't always old, the Queen of Pop has been a hot and proud taboo-smashing slut from birth. Even before becoming famous, Ms. Madonna Louise Ciccone was making thought-provoking egg porn.
She's also burned through an insanely long line of famous and unfamous suitors. She's published an entire book of erotica, starring her own naked body. She's challenged the church's sexual mores by dressing like a skanky nun who uses the crucifix like a sex toy. She's done it "Like a Virgin," brought gay dancing to MTV, and palled around with raunchy lesbian comics like Sandra Bernhard and Rosie O'Donnell. And even at 53, she was still flashing boobies all over the globe, going strong and sex-crazed as ever.
Now that Madonna is 54, who knows what she's going to pull when her MDNA tour humps into Miami's American Airlines Arena? But as fair warning, here are the ten nastiest things she's done thus far.
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Egg Porn. The woman was never a sexual novice. Before anyone had any idea about Madonna, she was already honing her unique, game-changing brand of over-the-top sexy. In 1974, she hooked up with some artsy types to make an egg-centric, avant-garde soft-core video. (That's a full eight years before "Like a Virgin" made many people feel uncomfortable in their pants for the very first time!) And the world has never seen someone suck a yolk so good. The fact that it's silent and blurry and superfuzzy is even a turn-on. Yes, Madonna's young, virile body is hot enough to cook scrambled eggs.
Wedding-Dress Stage-Humper. Madonna is nothing if not a pioneer. She humped her way into history, showing up on the first MTV Video Music Awards show in 1984 and getting freaky with the floor in a white wedding gown. Back then, this kind of behavior was some next-level insanity. Everyone in America was left totally slack-jawed in their living rooms. In that brief and naughty moment, young women everywhere were freed from sexual suppression. And we've been whoring it up ever since. Thanks, lady!
Sean Penn's Bloody Rag Doll. In June 1987, Madonna was married to bad-boy actor Sean Penn, and he beat that bitch with a baseball bat to the dome. Somehow she came out alive and still in love with the maniac, who escaped from the media fiasco with nothing but a misdemeanor battery charge. It was no isolated incident either. He used to tie her to chairs and stuff. But apparently the sex was off the chain and lasted for hours. We guess you can't put a price on passion. Love is pain, girl.
Kissing Black Jesus. Even though she was already a promiscuous domestic-violence victim, Madonna was still pulling in mad money from corporate sponsors in the late '80s. She actually scored a $5 million deal with Pepsi for the rights to use her hit single "Like a Prayer" in 1989. Too bad the music video came out flashing giant church fires and Madonna kissing Black Jesus. Family-friendly Pepsi decided it'd had enough of her shenanigans, backing out of the deal. This might not have been very progressive of the soft-drink manufacturer. But is there really anything progressive about being the second-rate Coca-Cola? The Material Girl still turned out rich.
"Justify My Love." Madonna is all about upping the ante. So in 1990, she cranked her on-camera antics to R-rated. In the hot and heavy video for "Justify My Love," she gets freaky in a dingy hotel hallway, and everybody loves it. Naked girls, naked boys, tight leather, assless chaps — this video has it all. The whole thing is shockingly filthy — but in that naughty yet amazing way, where you know you're going to have a really awesome shower afterward.
Sex. After all those years of teasing, Madonna finally gave the fans some full-on nudity with the release of Sex, her explicit 1992 coffee-table book. It stars our heroine and her famous friends engaged in titillating soft-core sadomasochistic positions. Celebs such as Big Daddy Kane, Vanilla Ice, and Naomi Campbell all make appearances. This dirty tome was released in conjunction with Madonna's fifth studio album, Erotica, and it came only in the hard-back edition. Um, did we mention the ass-licking?
Too Hot for TV. In line with her penchant for mind-screwing people with music videos, Madonna got herself banned from daytime MTV with her clip for "What It Feels Like for a Girl" in 2001. Directed by then-husband Guy Ritchie, best known at the time for his film Snatch, the four-and-a-half-minute video could be aired only after prime time. The reason for all the hubbub: the clip's intensely violent imagery, which featured the 43-year-old pop star cruising through the city with some old lady ridin' shotgun, beating up bros, stealing their money, and committing possible vehicular manslaughter.
Girls Kissin' Girls. Madonna struck slutty gold again on the VMA stage in 2003 when she made out with her teen pop-tart counterparts — Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera. To start, the two young stars got freaky with the floor, reliving that vagina-quivering moment from the late '80s when the Queen of Pop pioneered the art of floor-humping. Then, once Madonna appeared onstage in a tuxedo, stuff got really steamy as the threesome topped it all off with some girl-on-girl action. Hawt.
Got Molly? Not even breaking the 50-year barrier can slow this bitch down. In March 2012, Madge scandalized Ultra Music Festival and the entire EDM world when she introduced boy wonder Avicii by boldly polling thousands of ravers about their drug intake. "How many people in this crowd have seen Molly?" she asked. A lot of people were like, "She's too old to say that," but Madonna doesn't give a lick. She actually denied it was a drug reference. However, her album is called MDNA.
Turkey Titties. Just to prove she's still got it, Madonna recently pulled out her nipples for a crowd of Turkish fans during an MDNA tour stop. Sure, she's old enough to be a grandma. But the crowd seemed pretty aroused. And besides boobies and other kinds of occasional nudity, the show is full of fake guns, violent choreography, and politically charged messages. Basically, everything nasty that Madonna has ever done has led her to this glorious moment. And we can't wait for her to come!