Federal Terror Suspect Seems More Frat Boy Than Deadly Mastermind

A pair of Pakistani-born brothers in Oakland Park made international headlines last week when the FBI arrested them for allegedly aiding a terrorist ring. The feds have been vague about the charges, but the media have been even vaguer about the brothers. Who are Sheheryar Qazi and Raees Alam Qazi?

Our crack investigative team has uncovered startling information on Sheheryar at least: Based on his Facebook profile, he's almost certainly a "bro" — that subspecies of man subsisting purely on Jäger bombs and Axe Body Spray.

His facial hair: tight. His hair: did. He also plays warfare videogames on X-Box and frequently tries to sell traumatically ugly bikes on Craigslist for prices only a fool would accept, an online survey of his cell phone number revealed. His online résumé, meanwhile, shows he's clocked time as a valet for the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel and as a Dunkin' Donuts manager.

Broward Sheriff's Office

Taken as a whole, Qazi's online footprint offers an extremely underwhelming representation of modern (alleged) terrorism.

Qazi, who is 30 years old, and his 20-year-old brother have both pleaded not guilty to charges they conspired to provide "material support" to terrorists planning to detonate a weapon of mass destruction somewhere in the United States. The feds say the Qazis intended to provide terrorists with "property, services, funding, lodging, and communications equipment."

But before this alleged nefariousness unfolded, the brothers had already orchestrated a totally separate, multipronged plan: the selling of their X-Box for $230.

In April 2010, "Kazi" informed Craigslist consumers that he was in possession of an X-Box 360, "with all the cords," a wireless controller, a 20-gig hard drive, and several games — Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, Call of Duty Modern Warfare, Call of Duty World at War, UFC 09, and Fight Night Round 4.

"Everything," he assured, "was in good condition." He was also open to bartering.

This was only the beginning of Qazi's Craigs­list transactions. On four occasions, he's tried to peddle several bicycles — all of which are hideous and overpriced, except maybe a Fuji Mx 260 selling for $40, which didn't seem half-bad.

His résumé provided further clues into the makings of a modern jihadist. Qazi's main responsibility while working at the casino was to "make sure that customer have great experience." His résumé also shows an ascent through the Dunkin' Donuts' hierarchy, which likely made him a premium candidate for the terrorists in their plans of mayhem.

According to his résumé, Qazi has many skills. He's capable of "navigating" keyboards and Windows. (Terrorist genius!).

 
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