By Michael E. Miller
By Allie Conti
By Keegan Hamilton and Francisco Alvarado
By Jake Rossen
By Allie Conti
By Kyle Swenson
By Chris Joseph
By Michael E. Miller
But even the most brazen assaults on the animal kingdom were Pyrrhic victories. Mother Nature and her minions would have their way with mankind. An alligator in Leesburg tore off an old lady's arm. Another gator ate the hand off an Everglades boat captain, who was then fined for feeding the creature. And a dolphin at Sea World bit the hand of a little girl.
The manatees, presumably, are still plotting their revenge.
Mayan Prediction: Men will turn into beasts.
Florida Reality: Rudy Eugene shed his clothes as he walked across the burning-hot MacArthur Causeway. But it wasn't the midday sun urging him from Miami Beach toward downtown Miami. It was madness.
When he saw a 65-year-old homeless man named Ronald Poppo lounging under a Metromover platform, Eugene attacked. In minutes, the 31-year-old car washer and small-time pot dealer had smashed Poppo's face to a pulp, plucked out his eyeballs, and begun gnawing flesh from the old man's face. When cops arrived, they had to shoot Eugene four times before he finally stopped. Poppo was left blinded, faceless, and barely alive.
News of the "Causeway Cannibal" raced around the world. The internet exploded with theories of a mysterious virus behind the "Miami Zombie" attack. Only a few months earlier, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention had unveiled tongue-in-cheek posters asking Americans if they were prepared for the zombie apocalypse. Now it seemed to have truly arrived.
Another explanation for Eugene's violent outburst quickly took hold. He must have been on a new type of drug called bath salts, claimed the head of the Miami police union. As Americans wondered how in hell the scented shit next to their grandma's bathtub could transform anyone into a cannibal, local media blamed the so-called synthetic cocaine for a guy exposing himself to children and a young Miami man growling at police. In West Virginia, one dude was so high on bath salts that he supposedly donned a bra and panties, slaughtered his neighbor's pygmy goat, and passed out. South Florida politicians raced to ban the stuff.
Even though tests later found only pot in Eugene's system, maybe the politicians were right — the cannibalism certainly didn't end with Miami's zombie. In Bradenton, a man smoked synthetic pot, shot off his Glock, and ran around the neighborhood naked. Near St. Augustine, cops discovered a young man nude in a puddle of urine and broken glass after a late-night rampage at a random home. But before they could arrest him, he jumped off a second-story balcony, was zapped with a Taser five times, and bit a man in the stomach. In Palmetto, a dude got so high on something that he took a bite out of someone's bicep. Another man tried to chomp on a cop car. A mom bit her daughter for turning off a Rihanna CD. And Naples resident Giovanni Martinez got so drunk he threatened to eat a nurse's face "like that guy in Miami."
Not even Rudy Eugene ranked as crazy as Tyree Lincoln Smith, a North Florida man arrested in January for allegedly chopping a Connecticut man to death with an ax and then eating his victim's eye and brain. Smith later told his cousin that the eyeball tasted like an oyster and the brain like "a woman's come."
Some South Floridians took an altogether different tack to their bestiality. Pinellas County Humane Society employee Eric Antunes loved animals so much that he snapped photos of his girlfriend's three-legged dog licking his dong. Just down the road, Carlos Romero was arrested for jerking off next to his miniature donkey. Romero admitted to always having felt an attraction toward animals and lambasted Florida for looking down upon his desires. He argued that, unlike donkeys, human lovers "stab you in the back, give you diseases, lie to you," and are "promiscuous." Romero said he hadn't fully consummated his love for his donkey "because she's blooming into maturity." For that poor creature, at least, Judgment Day could not come soon enough.
Men weren't the only ones acting like animals in 2012, however. Within a week of one another this summer, two women went wild masturbating in public. Ashley Holton caused a traffic jam near Ocala when she jumped out of her car wearing just a pink shirt and began pleasuring herself on the side of the road. When a female cop tried to put pants on Holton, she bit the officer. A week later, Tracy Mabb stripped for no reason at an intersection in Pompano Beach. Police said she flashed passersby a view of her "vagina and buttocks" in a "completely vulgar and indecent manner." When confronted by cops, she allegedly refused to put her clothes on and shouted, "I don't give a fuck!"
Another lady was arrested for driving topless to her boyfriend's house, while three women were caught smuggling pot, a crack pipe, and clean urine (to beat a drug test) inside their vaginas. A female car thief was arrested mid-poop on the side of I-95, and a crackhead was busted with three rocks concealed under her dentures.
But the award for 2012's saddest end-of-the-world streaking incident will have to be awarded posthumously. Inga Marie Swanson arrived at a Tampa-area party uninvited this past October. But that was the least of her problems. Swanson showed up naked, bearing a giant metal cross and mumbling about the end times. When she returned to the party wielding an antique gun and calling people the Antichrist, two off-duty policemen shot her.