Scary Movie V Will Murder Your Capacity to Feel Joy

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Starring Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan, Ashley Tisdale, and Simon Rex. Directed by Malcolm D. Lee. 85 minutes. Rated PG-13.

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Picking up seven years after the previous installment, Scary Movie V features no original cast members, no Wayans brothers producing (they bailed after No. 3), and a new director (first-timer Malcolm D. Lee). It's still terrible. For an alleged comedy, it's remarkably laugh-free; as insta-parody, it already feels dated (Inception references?). Some observations: I'd wager all the gold from The Italian Job there are more laughs in the Pain & Gain trailer than are to be had in the whole Scary Movie franchise. The appearances of the movie's guest stars almost perfectly mirror the descending order of the squandered potential of their prior acting careers: Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan, Molly Shannon, Heather Locklear, Kate Walsh, Jasmine Guy, Darrell Hammond, Katt Williams, Jerry O'Connell. The Black Swan-inspired scene (don't ask) in which Ashley Tisdale humps a microwave oven (really, don't) is only slightly more embarrassing than the entirety of High School Musical 3: Senior Year. Charlie Sheen calls his cat "Emilio." That was in the first five minutes, and it was the last time in the movie -- or the subsequent three days -- that I came close to cracking a smile. Because Scary Movie V murdered my capacity to feel joy.

 
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