Big Richie was always trying to toughen me up. If I came home with a bruise, he'd tell me the other guy better have a black eye, or else I would. When I first kicked a kid's ass — some nerd who'd been calling me fat for months — my dad didn't ground me. He gave me ice cream.

"As the big, swinging dictator in Sweetwater, Manny Maroño was Scott's number one supporter."

When my football coaches couldn't see the talent hidden underneath my chub, Big Richie would collar me again and say, "Payback is going to come, Richie. When it's time for you to have your payback, you open up the gates of Hell and make them stare at the Devil." I never really understood that last part, but it sounded pretty badass.

So when I made it big at the University of Nebraska, that's exactly what I did: I put other people through hell. I teabagged my teammates in the locker room, blindsided the freshmen on the practice field, and punished our opponents on the weekends. I even perfected the Rich-around. I was a mean motherfucker, but I was a blocking machine.

Alvaro Diaz-Rubio

Even when I went AWOL after flipping over my coach's desk and getting cut from the team, Oregon still wanted me. And when I gave another coach the finger for telling me to see a shrink, the NFL nonetheless came calling.

And that's my point. I'm like Dick Cheney: working in the shadows, getting my hands dirty, humping the ugly chick so others can look glamorous in the spotlight. I keep the quarterback with the cute smile and shampoo commercials safe from the vicious dudes on the other side of the line of scrimmage. But I ain't a saint.

You may not like it, but we bullies have been the unsung heroes this year. Let's start at the top. Everyone has been angry at the government this year. People keep saying it's gotten to be like Big Brother, whatever that means. But without your big brother, you'd just get your ass kicked all the time, right?

Sure, the NSA is reading your emails, tapping your phone calls, probably tapping your wife too. Meanwhile, some stooge in a suit is taking your taxes. And TSA agents are poking your bunghole with latex fingers. Big Brother is a bully, but it's better than having America the Beautiful overrun by jihadis. You'd be speaking Arabic or Urdu or something right now, buddy. Think about that. Urrrr-duuu.

It's not just the feds who did whatever it took to save us in 2013. Take a look at here in Florida. Rick Scott might look like a poached testicle, but our gonadal head of state governs like a boss. That man brushed off a record $1.7 billion fine for Medicare fraud like a blown tackle. He ground out an election nastier than any NFL fourth quarter. Sure, his poll numbers tanked harder than Tim Tebow. But instead of spending 2013 making nice, he doubled down on being a dick. Every morning, he stepped over the Dream Defenders protesting outside his office like they weren't even there. Scott let the kids camp out for weeks — sleeping on linoleum floors and surviving on Styrofoam cups of the capitol's cruddy coffee — before telling them to get lost: Stand Your Ground was here to stay. What a sadist! LULZ.

Scott's lieutenant governor resigned in disgrace — some scandal about lesbians and gambling, which sounds like a good time to me — but bossman didn't even bother replacing her. His hot-as-balls attorney general, Pam Bondi, delayed the execution of a cold-blooded killer so she could throw herself a party. The guv was going to let donors hunt an alligator for $25,000. My shotgun and I would have been there in a heartbeat had you morons in the media not found out first. And when Scott's Republican buddies in D.C. took a stand against tyranny like food stamps and social security checks, so did the guv. He refused to reopen Florida's parks. Fuck the economy!

What a terrific asshole. And why not? You're only governor once, Rick — at least with Charlie Crist now in the race. YOGO!

If Scott is the tyrannical quarterback for Team A-Hole, then Miami-area Mayors Manny Maroño, Steve Bateman, and Michael Pizzi are his trio of wide receivers. Or at least they were, until they were arrested.

As the big, swinging dictator in Sweetwater, Manny Maroño was Scott's number one supporter. He even shaved his head like the guv. In return, Scott made him president of Florida's League of Cities and allowed his mini-me to start a business development firm named after the governor's job creation plan. Maroño managed to get his wife, mom, uncle, and buddies on the Sweetwater payroll. And his two tow companies took over the town by bribing public officials and jacking cars whenever they felt like it.

If I may say so, Maroño was the Richie Incognito of Miami mayors. Remember when the Dolphins made a video of me playing croquet and asking fans to remain civilized? It was funny because I really am an asshole, like that time just months earlier when I used a golf club to sexually assault a woman during a team outing. Hilarious, right?

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3 comments
1catmandude
1catmandude

If these are real people why didn't the sissy put a hatchet in-cognito's forehead? Not even the biggest sissy in my neighborhood would buy someone a plane ticket or anything else especially for a fat loudmouthed sissy football player. Let him join the UFC and demand a plane ticket from even the worst athlete. Chuck Lidell is retired and would put him out like a wet cigarette butt.

j.trainer
j.trainer

wow u r such a doosh...  i apologize on behalf of this lame ass author for anyone who wastes their time reading this article...  Incognito obviously didn't write any of this crap because if he did, this part of the story would have blown up a looooong ass time ago...  "It was funny because I really am an asshole, like that time just months earlier when I used a golf club to sexually assault a woman during a team outing. Hilarious, right?"  nobody is dumb enough to write that.... George Zimmerman! How could I have forgotten him? My brothah from anothah mothah! Pudgy, violent, and without remorse, just like me. After his acquittal, that dude would come over to my place in Fort Lauderdale. We'd get shitfaced, play Call of Duty, I'd call him a "half-Mexican" (or Peruvian, whatever), and we'd end up punching each other until we passed out" ...  COMMON MAN!!!  this article is complete bs and the author of this should be accused of bullying...   Michael E. Miller you are a disgrace to the world of journalism...... no...  this isn't journalism, this is garbage...   Michael E. Miller, you are a disgrace to garbage...  if this so-called video submission of incognito is real, let's see it...  Otherwise, please crawl back into the dumpster  Michael E. Miller...  U R A BULLY...  if anyone reads this comment but wants to get the best Dolphins info, just google Salguero cuz this  Michael E. Miller is a clown!!!

Bebep
Bebep

@j.trainerI hope you asked Santa for a sense of humor this year.

 
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