Well, that's what Maroño was like as mayor of Sweetwater. He launched a nationwide witch hunt on bath salts, blaming the drugs not only for the Miami Zombie but also for any two-bit break-in or any bum biting a cop. (Personally, I prefer booze before biting.) All the while, Maroño was really the one screwing over Sweetwater residents.

"George Zimmerman! How could I have forgotten him? My brothah from anothah mothah!"

In Homestead, Mayor Steve Bateman didn't have the patience to stock the city government with supporters. Instead, he pulled an RGIII (pre-knee injury) and did it all on his lonesome. When a local developer had trouble building a health clinic, Bateman offered to grease the wheels — at the cost of $125 an hour in secret consulting fees. YOMO, Steve! YOMO!

Michael Pizzi made Miami Lakes politics his personal bitch. He went from the top of his University of Miami law school class to the top of local government. Then the mayor was caught taking $6,000 in kickbacks for federal contracts. But unlike Maroño and Bateman, who both pleaded guilty, Pizzi came out pissing into the wind. "I am innocent," he announced after a hearing in October. "And I will be exonerated and found not guilty at trial." Makin' me proud, Pizzi!

Alvaro Diaz-Rubio
Alvaro Diaz-Rubio

But the biggest baller in my book was Barry Layne Moore. The 51-year-old hillbilly mayor of Hampton, Florida, was caught dealing oxycodone to his entire town. Talk about a big fish in a little pond.

Then there was Raphael Herman, a dude who boasted about killing Osama bin Laden while running for mayor of Miami Beach. He missed his own election after getting jailed for swinging a six-foot flagpole at black people on a public bus. A flagpole! What a patriot.

Herman lost, of course, but the guy who won was an even bigger bully. Philip Levine spent a small fortune — roughly $2 million — to win a job that pays just ten grand a year. He's like a tropical, totally not handsome version of Leo DiCaprio in that Great Gatsby movie. Only there's not even a hot chick he's trying to bang. Levine dropped $354 for every vote he won by buying TV ads and treating old people to free punch, pie, and salsa music.

Attaboy, Phil! Making it rain on those wrinkles like senior night at the strip club.


Richie,

Your father sounds like the type of guy who made you watch him kill small forest animals with his bare hands when you were a child. He probably didn't even wash up before dinner. I'd tell you to go see a psychiatrist, but you'd just flip my desk and try to dry-hump my sister.

As for your list, well, it's a tad full of criminals. Rick Scott may have escaped the clink, but his band of merry mayors won't. Levine bought himself an island, but that doesn't mean he's legit.

Besides, the politicians you mentioned are part of the problem, not some superhero solution. Across North America, politicians are abusing the bully pulpit, from serial dick-pic-sender Anthony Weiner to compulsive fur-coat-consumer Jesse Jackson Jr. to the crack-smoking, prostitute-loving mayor of Toronto, Rob Ford. These liars belong in jail, not on a best-of list.

These scumbags set a terrible example. They show that bullying is not only OK but also the way to get ahead. No wonder kids are taking the message to heart. In Polk County, two teenage girls bullied 12-year-old Rebecca Sedwick until she killed herself in a cement factory. One of them later posted on Facebook: "Yes, I bullied Rebecca and she killed herself but I don't give a fuck." Somehow, prosecutors still dropped the charges last month.

In Hollywood, two angelic-looking teens attacked their own friend because the girls were "beefing." They restrained, beat, and taunted the poor 15-year-old as she was raped by a male gang member on video. Then they let their bloodied victim stumble around the neighborhood looking for help.

Here in Miami, Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity brothers at Florida International University posted nude photos of women they had slept with for one another to see on Facebook. One member posted a pic of a woman wearing a Pike shirt next to the caption: "THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GIVEN FATTYS OUR SHIRTS!!!!! THEY WEAR THEM!!!!!" The frat brothers also boasted about hazing pledges and pranking other houses by putting pig heads on their doors. Even after New Times broke the story, however, FIU cops declined to make arrests.

Like the FIU frat bros, Florida's most infamous bully escaped justice this year. George Zimmerman stalked unarmed teenager Trayvon Martin before fatally shooting him in the chest. Yet a jury acquitted the self-appointed neighborhood watchman of murder in July because of Florida's insane Stand Your Ground legislation.

Since then, Zimmerman has gone off the deep end. He's been pulled over three times for speeding, once with a gun in the glove compartment. And on November 18, his new girlfriend called 911 to say Zimmerman had smashed her coffee table and pointed a shotgun at her head. When police arrested him, he had five guns on him, including an AR-15.

Zimmerman is the worst kind of bully: one backed by bullets and barristers. After all, it was the National Rifle Association that crafted Stand Your Ground here in 2005. Not only does the NRA own the Florida Legislature, but it also has your boy Rick Scott in its pocket. No wonder Scott shot down the Dream Defenders by refusing to reconsider the law.

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3 comments
1catmandude
1catmandude

If these are real people why didn't the sissy put a hatchet in-cognito's forehead? Not even the biggest sissy in my neighborhood would buy someone a plane ticket or anything else especially for a fat loudmouthed sissy football player. Let him join the UFC and demand a plane ticket from even the worst athlete. Chuck Lidell is retired and would put him out like a wet cigarette butt.

j.trainer
j.trainer

wow u r such a doosh...  i apologize on behalf of this lame ass author for anyone who wastes their time reading this article...  Incognito obviously didn't write any of this crap because if he did, this part of the story would have blown up a looooong ass time ago...  "It was funny because I really am an asshole, like that time just months earlier when I used a golf club to sexually assault a woman during a team outing. Hilarious, right?"  nobody is dumb enough to write that.... George Zimmerman! How could I have forgotten him? My brothah from anothah mothah! Pudgy, violent, and without remorse, just like me. After his acquittal, that dude would come over to my place in Fort Lauderdale. We'd get shitfaced, play Call of Duty, I'd call him a "half-Mexican" (or Peruvian, whatever), and we'd end up punching each other until we passed out" ...  COMMON MAN!!!  this article is complete bs and the author of this should be accused of bullying...   Michael E. Miller you are a disgrace to the world of journalism...... no...  this isn't journalism, this is garbage...   Michael E. Miller, you are a disgrace to garbage...  if this so-called video submission of incognito is real, let's see it...  Otherwise, please crawl back into the dumpster  Michael E. Miller...  U R A BULLY...  if anyone reads this comment but wants to get the best Dolphins info, just google Salguero cuz this  Michael E. Miller is a clown!!!

Bebep
Bebep

@j.trainerI hope you asked Santa for a sense of humor this year.

 
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