Email Author Edmund Newton

Awards

• 2008 - National Society of Newspaper Columnists, published September 27, 2007

  "Electomachine"

• 2008 - National Society of Newspaper Columnists, published March 8, 2007

  "Ten Seconds to Eternity"

• 2008 - National Society of Newspaper Columnists, published February 8, 2007

  "Atta's Fork"

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2007 Stories by Edmund Newton

• See Cows?

  published December 20, 2007

  Manatees are everywhere now, slow-moving, bovine, as graceless as hippos in ballet slippers. So prevalent have they become that the Florida... More >>

• Eyeball to Eyeball

  published December 13, 2007

  A couple of weeks ago, Tailpipe got mental flashbacks to those famous pictures from Tiananmen Square where a lone man stood in the... More >>

• Kick in the Butt

  published November 29, 2007

  The News From Tobaccoville What's a little bitty cigarette butt when measured against this big, cluttered world of... More >>

• Dirty South

  published November 22, 2007

  Superman dat Song They're doing it at Dolphins games. They're doing it at house parties. They're doing it at middle school talent shows.... More >>

• Withering Heights

  published November 15, 2007

  The Smothers Brothers used to do a funny routine about sibling rivalry. Who did their mother favor — Tommy or Dickie? "Mom always... More >>

• Green Eggs and Dolphin Ham

  published November 8, 2007

  Thank You,Thank You, for the Draft We cannot win a single game. Not even one, we're very... More >>

• Build Me an Island

  published November 1, 2007

  In South Florida, it's hard to keep up with all the astoundingly cockamamie development schemes that come down the pipe. Like, how do you... More >>

• Dolphins With Wings

  published October 25, 2007

  Rarefied air. A sense of great altitude. Two higher authorities loll in cauliflower-like crannies of a cumulus cloud, talking of lesser... More >>

• R.I.P., Diogee

  published October 11, 2007

  Save That Dog — Kill Him! Lawrence Meaney wanted his dog, Diogee, to die a natural death, and after 16 years (a... More >>

• Electomachine

  published September 27, 2007

  Optical scanner? Same ol', same ol' Tailpipe was feeling as clean and serene about next year's election as he does after one of those... More >>

• Video Lies

  published September 20, 2007

  The Truth Can Set You Free On dark nights, when your own mortality seems to feed on you like the rust on Tailpipe's flank, think of... More >>

• No Pain, No Gain

  published September 13, 2007

  Training Day It's hard being a police officer in Hollywood, and Tailpipe's not even talking about the shaking down of pimps or... More >>

• Norm, Norm, and NORML

  published August 30, 2007

  Lawyer and activist Norm Kent gets around. He made a flash in the news a few weeks ago, when Fort Lauderdale Mayor Jim Naugle... More >>

• Waiting for Lavoe

  published August 9, 2007

  When you make a biographical film about a public figure who's well-known to much of the audience, you start out in a deep hole. From the moment... More >>

• Elvis Lives! And More!

  published August 9, 2007

  Those mourners at Graceland sure looked dumb for crying over Elvis Presley's death. Elvis lived! Weekly World News had... More >>

• Whodunit

  published August 2, 2007

  For two years now, Tailpipe has been hearing rumors about an alleged miscarriage of justice in the arrest of Lionel Tate for the armed... More >>

• Last Amend­ment

  published July 19, 2007

  Fort Lauderdale City Manager George Gretsas' latest jihad seems to Tailpipe a little more serious and disturbing than his past push to... More >>

• Second-hand Smoke

  published July 12, 2007

  Like President Clinton, Tailpipe never inhaled. Emissions dispensers like Tailpipe only exhale, of course. But at least two... More >>

• R.I.P. Jocks

  published July 5, 2007

  R.I.P. Jocks Check ´em again, doc Dimly lit hotel room. Overturned furniture. Four... More >>

• Maniac on the Floor

  published June 28, 2007

  Dancing really is the best therapy. That goes even for an embattled politician like Hollywood Mayor Mara Giulianti, who, Tailpipe... More >>

• Plantation 9-1-1

  published June 7, 2007

  The Plantation Police Department thought Wesley Christopher was a neglectful dad. So they Tasered his 2-year-old daughter. That´s not... More >>

• Art Blockage

  published May 31, 2007

  Despite what Museum of Art/Fort Lauderdale Director Irvin Lippman says, it ain't normal for a big art museum to close down during the... More >>