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2009 Stories by Jamie Laughlin

Archives: 2011 | 2010 | 2009 | 2008 | 2007 | 2006 | 2005
  • Like Cirque du Soleil, from the land of Panda Bears

    published December 31, 2009

    More than 2500 years ago, dedicated (and flexible) members of China’s working class developed a new art form: acrobatics. They took discarded... More >>

  • Booze Buffet

    published December 31, 2009

    The phrase “All You Can Drink” can either be approached (a) with caution or (b) as a challenge — depending on your personal school... More >>

  • Case of the Mondays in the Corner Pocket

    published December 24, 2009

    Mondays are oppressive. Your job has reestablished its control of your week, there’s no good television, and the Netflix you ordered on... More >>

  • Santa! You Got My Letter!

    published December 17, 2009

    You hate holiday shopping. Rushing from one crowded parking lot to another in search of the perfect gift doesn’t fill you with the holiday... More >>

  • Pinball Wizard

    published December 3, 2009

    The two of you shared a unique relationship, one that your parents would never understand. That’s why you had to sneak around, meeting up at... More >>

  • She Plays Games

    published November 26, 2009

    She’s voluptuous. She wants to make you scream. And — well, she’s a little bitchy. Glam kitten Misty Eyez wouldn’t be... More >>

  • Look With Your Eyes, Boys

    published November 19, 2009

    Never underestimate the effect of a well-placed swish of crinoline in a boy’s face. There. That one was free. You’re welcome. If... More >>

  • Bustle and Flow

    published November 19, 2009

    Are you a sucker for the sleek silhouettes of the 1930s? Those playful shears, when worn modernly, still look en vogue. Maybe the dame-amplifying... More >>

  • Groove Is in the Park

    published November 5, 2009

    Summer is tough on Floridians. Months of sprinting from one pocket of air conditioning to another can crush your soul. Fortunately, one festival... More >>

  • Michael Jackson in a Hyperbaric… Too Soon?

    published October 29, 2009

    Zombified Amy Winehouse with a moldy weave. Members of Insane Clown Posse during a post-hurricane Faygo shortage. A leather-vest-wearing Pat... More >>

  • Jerry Seinfeld: He Keeps it Clean

    published October 22, 2009

    The Seinfeld era marked a more honest point in American history. At its epicenter was an unlikely anti-hero: a milk-drinking neurotic with... More >>

  • Ain’t Nothin’ Wrong, With a Little Bump and Grind

    published October 22, 2009

    Pull up to designated outsider haunts (municipal building front steps, sanctioned skate parks, or poorly lit parking lots) this evening, and... More >>

  • Garage Rock A-Go Go!

    published October 15, 2009

    Do you like a little jangle with your reverb? Test drive the collection of work by low-fi femmes the Vivian Girls. Balancing between gritty... More >>

  • Flex Those Pecs

    published October 8, 2009

    Your workout routine is more meta than traditional. You know that your biceps brachia is in there somewhere, but who’s to say it wants to be... More >>

  • No Lifeguard on Duty

    published October 1, 2009

    Of course you curse your bikini; it no longer camouflages your jiggly parts that once held firm. But if you recognized that swimsuit for what it... More >>

  • If I Was Royalty in a Past Life, Why Do I Live in This Dump?

    published September 24, 2009

    Since no existing church was privy to Sylvia Browne’s personal Godly revelations, she did what any good celebrity psychic would do:... More >>

  • Miss Pretty Had It Coming

    published September 24, 2009

    When Alicia Olink instructs people to look at her privates, they do it. The Kill Miss Pretty frontwoman exudes that magical prowess... More >>

  • Pagans March to a Different Drum Circle

    published September 17, 2009

    It’s time to make a bold decision. The time has come to unlearn everything you’ve ever believed about pagans, and perhaps more... More >>

  • Even My Chakras Are Sagging! What to Do?

    published September 10, 2009

    Do you feel like a human slug just waiting to be salted? Are you searching for inspiration through perspiration? Do you enjoy massaging your... More >>

  • A Plie Is a Promise

    published August 27, 2009

    Your house is laced with evidence of your raging case of A.C.P. (Activity Commitment Phobia). That treadmill you purchased to train for marathons... More >>

  • The End of Bromance

    published July 23, 2009

    In the new Sundance award-winning buddy film, Humpday, you are introduced to Ben (Mark Duplass: The Puffy Chair, Baghead) and... More >>

  • Don’t Go, Green Space!

    published July 16, 2009

    In the United States’ master timeline, South Florida hasn’t been settled for long. Any long-term resident will tell you about how it... More >>

  • The Great Adaptation Experiment

    published July 9, 2009

    Comedian Jamie Kennedy wasn’t born to fame. He didn’t arrive in Tinseltown with prestigious managerial representation, a fly... More >>

  • Maximize Your Fun Quadrant

    published July 2, 2009

    Friday, 5 p.m. — You and your most stylish girlfriends embark on a glorious mission to enjoy complimentary Ladies’ Night... More >>

  • Crêpe Expectations

    published June 25, 2009

    You're hopeless at wooing. Your last date was offended by your venue choice - even though Bow Hunter magazine assured you that chicks dig... More >>

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