Email Author Sam Eifling

2009 Stories by Sam Eifling

• Happy New Year, Love Your Outfit

  published December 31, 2009

  One imagines — in those deadline-driven moments when one is paid to imagine — that our American-style New Year’s Eve must seem... More >>

• Single? Check.

  published December 24, 2009

  As with so many social injustices, South Park brought the plight of Jews on Christmas to the world’s attention when Kyle sang,... More >>

• Woody, With Reed

  published December 24, 2009

  People used to say that Ted Williams was that rare person who’s best in the world at two things: hitting a baseball and flying a plane. Well,... More >>

• If You Moustache

  published December 3, 2009

  When did the moustache, that prideful patch, become an object of derision? It’s not simply the T-shirts that read “Guns Don’t Kill... More >>

• Gun Control

  published November 26, 2009

  In what other country, but this, the U. S. of effing A., can you stroll into a cavernous public building (named War Memorial, no less, for the men... More >>

• You Can Take the Jackass Out of the Fraternity, but…

  published November 12, 2009

  If you don’t know what beer pong is by now, you’re probably not going to want to enter this, a satellite tournament with a berth... More >>

• Get Your Zombie On

  published October 22, 2009

  Who’da thunk in 1983 that Michael Jackson’s actual corpse would look nothing like the swarthy, raccoon-eyed zombie he plays at... More >>

• Cardiac Comic

  published October 15, 2009

  The irony of having to interrupt a comedy tour called “Weapons of Self Destruction” for open heart surgery can’t be lost on an... More >>

• Be the Vampire, Do the Vampire

  published October 8, 2009

  When did vampires become undisputedly the most screwable monster? Granted, the alternatives are paltry: Zombie sex is probably a feisty affair but... More >>

• Monster! Trucks!

  published August 13, 2009

  Monster Jam returns! Big trucks race! Kids all squeal. Smells and noises! Trucks weigh five tons! Engines with 1,500 horses! From... More >>

• Bob Saget: It’s Still a Shock How Gross He’ll Get

  published August 6, 2009

  You could always tell, if you looked closely, that Bob Saget really was dying inside with every cheesy joke ABC shoved in his mouth before tapings... More >>

• Cubs’ Flubs

  published July 30, 2009

  The Chicago Cubs are “ineffectual, overpriced, and ultimately irrelevant” according to one of the latest and frankly more... More >>

• Bombs Away

  published June 18, 2009

  Just when the Marlins look ready to compete for the title of most craptastic team in baseball, whoa, they come back to mere mediocrity by... More >>

• But I Hardly Even Know ’Er

  published June 11, 2009

  What would you do with that $150 you could use to buy into the Seminole Hard Rock & Casino’s Summer Open Poker Series? You could pay... More >>

• The Sultan of Sulk

  published June 4, 2009

  Not long ago, this would have been the Barry Bonds Show — the game itself a footnote to admiring the feats of a slugger who had somehow... More >>

• Brew-tal

  published May 28, 2009

  Exemplifying the woeful second act to the Marlins’ quick start this season was their performance against Dodgers pitcher Clayton... More >>

• Roger, Dodgers

  published May 14, 2009

  Looks like the Dodgers have picked up where they left off last year, when Joe Torre — who’s chill even by the high standards of... More >>

• Fish Stick?

  published April 23, 2009

  On April 14, the night when the Marlins thumped the Braves to take sole possession of the National League East, a division that by all most... More >>

• Dull Like a Fox

  published January 1, 2009

  Just what the hell, again, is everyone's problem with the Spurs? Yeah, Tim Duncan plods through life without flipping off Section 107 or... More >>