Email Author Tara Nieuwesteeg

2008 Stories by Tara Nieuwesteeg

• Celebrate the Bear

  published December 25, 2008

  I love Santa Claus. I wish it was because I'm fascinated by the way his modern-day story evokes folkloric traditions, possible real people, and... More >>

• Praise the Whisky!

  published December 18, 2008

  As country singer and fellow Texan Kevin Fowler says, "The lord loves the drinkin' man." Of course, rock-ribbed conservatives and nuns might... More >>

• Don't Say Shenanigans

  published December 11, 2008

  Shenanigans is the best word ever. And it's not just because I enjoy long, multisyllabic words that can be stretched into... More >>

• On the Jag

  published November 27, 2008

  Being a nightlife columnist is kind of like being a sailor: We drink, we drift (from port to port or pub to pub), and our jobs can cause... More >>

• Drown Your Troubles in Tullamore

  published November 13, 2008

  Sick as a dog on a Thursday evening? Try the Irish whiskey cure. Maybe it's not just what the doctor ordered, but it sure doctors the pain when... More >>

• Gimme Somethin' Real

  published November 6, 2008

  Thursday night. A muggy, rainy South Florida night, and I was feeling particularly grouchy. It had been a long, punishing mini-Friday, the air... More >>

• Liquor-Cured

  published October 30, 2008

  If there's one thing Americans can agree on in these divisive political times, it's this: Work sucks. It's a 9-to-5 daily grind, with its... More >>

• Primate on the Rocks

  published October 23, 2008

  Monkeys have always made me happy. They can be eating ripe bananas, puckering their lips at zoo visitors, or swinging from trees in a National... More >>

• Don't Google Screech

  published October 2, 2008

  I've always hated football. Maybe it's because I personally suck at organized sports. Maybe it's because I just never saw the appeal of... More >>

• Booze for the Cause

  published September 25, 2008

  I was sitting at the kitchen table eating a bowl of cinnamon oatmeal. Nothing special, but that's what I was doing the morning of September 11,... More >>

• It's All in the Package

  published September 11, 2008

  In my first month of living deep in the heart of Wilton Manors, I stopped at Georgie's Alibi for a drink — and found myself to be the... More >>

• Gator Is a Vegetable

  published September 4, 2008

  There are days that just fucking suck. Maybe you notice some weird rash after a recent one-night stand. Maybe you lose your job and come home... More >>

• Don't Ask, Don't Tell

  published August 28, 2008

  Twas the night before Tropical Storm Fay, and already the sky looked dark and gloomy. I'd seen the advertisements for Palm Grill's drink deal... More >>

• Dreading the Scissors

  published August 14, 2008

  I hate getting my hair cut. I hate the awkward, stilted conversations you have with hairdressers — those perfect strangers who just... More >>

• The British Are Coming!

  published August 7, 2008

  With summer heat still in its hellish full swing, it's hard to get the mail without producing enough sweat to fill an Olympic-sized swimming... More >>

• American Idle

  published July 31, 2008

  I walk into the dark, smoky bar. It's a full house tonight, and every head turns as I make my way to the front of the room. I pop open my... More >>

• Hottest of Them All

  published July 24, 2008

  For years, the Hooters restaurant chain has aroused both groups of wing-eating dudes and the tempers of militant feminists. Questions have been... More >>

• Seminole Smackjack

  published July 17, 2008

  I'll just come out and say it: The Seminole Hard Rock Hotel & Casino horrifies me. It's a depraved place full of slot machines,... More >>

• Xtreme Indoor Karting — You Gotta Have Balls

  published July 10, 2008

  When I was growing up, my father and brothers were very competitive, or, more accurately, completely ruthless at videogames, board games,... More >>

• Windy Warm-Up

  published July 3, 2008

  To me, the word hurricane conjures up thoughts of fruity rum cocktails, utter destruction, and complete inconvenience (not necessarily... More >>

• Aloha, Goodbye? No Way.

  published June 26, 2008

  When I was young, my parents took me to Hawaii. I remember wholesome family fun there, swimming in the ocean and visiting some volcanoes. We... More >>

• The Horse Be With You

  published June 19, 2008

  My dad occasionally speaks of our family clan's unluckiness: "We never win anything." I've never asked why he thinks that, but knowing... More >>

• Tryin' to Get Lonesome

  published June 12, 2008

  I haven't been away from my home state of Texas that long, and occasionally I like to remind myself what it means to be a Texan. Yeah, we... More >>

• Three Cheers for the Red, White, and Green

  published June 5, 2008

  Oh, Memorial Day weekend, three wonderful work-free days to spend drinking, lounging, grilling, and marinating in unadulterated American pride.... More >>

• Living La Vida Rica

  published May 29, 2008

  I have five uncles, and none of them is filthy stinking rich. That said, all five are considerably wealthier than a certain wayward,... More >>