Best Of :: Shopping & Services
You have to admire the salesmen at R.S. Lords. Surrounded by thousands of suits and sport jackets, they gracefully put up with a sweltering climate that makes wearing a suit and tie tantamount to death by smothering. That's not to mention casual Fridays and beachfolks' aversion to anything that ain't shorts cum flip-flops. But persevere they do, with all the dignity of a double-breasted jacket. Weather and fashion fads notwithstanding, all men sooner or later must don a suit for a wedding, funeral, bar mitzvah, job interview, or a mother's satisfaction. When your day comes, you can't go wrong with this one-of-a-kind store that imports a large selection of Italian suits and offers on-site tailoring and alterations. Whether nature made you tall, short, or portly, Lords carries your size at a reasonable price -- how about an Italian suit at $199? If that's not enough, salesmen Art, Artie, and Kenny take great pride in guessing a customer's size before whipping out a tape measure.
Sometimes tracking down the right vibrating butt plug can be a wild goose chase. You search hither and yon only to be disappointed -- again. That's why the connoisseur of battery-operated sex toys knows that biggest is always best -- and in this case, that describes Megasex Adult Emporium. The video/toy store looks as if it's taken over an abandoned airplane hangar and filled it with every conceivable pleasuring device for every conceivable orifice. You can go from easily concealed, surreptitious little smuggleables like the Pocket Rocket (perfect for those long airplane flights) all the way up to and including the 10-inch-wide, 24-inch-long Man o' War (which hurts just to look at). Megasex is better than a well-stocked candy counter when it comes to condoms, displaying a vast array of colors, flavors, and textures. Then there are the silly novelties: gummy sweets shaped like boobs and butts, loads of lickable lubes, jelly dongs, G spot ticklers, cock rings, and of course enough dildos to distract Annabel Chong. If you just can't seem to reach that hard-to-reach area, give Megasex a try.
Oh no! Spilled overpriced coffee on myself. Look at the pretty dresses and separates -- I'll put together a new ensemble, complete with cute straw bag and iridescent bracelets. That ostentatious old man over there also mussed up his clothes; he'll probably grab some snazzy designer golf threads to go with the balls he's fondling. My whiny niece wants my new jewelry; instead I'll buy her Harry Potter and Dr. Seuss books. The latest Clancy, Cornwell, and Grisham -- great gifts for Mom and Dad -- are also available, though nothing from my lit class reading list. I guess I'll grab one of these magazines instead. Now, should I get my usual chips and chocolates or indulge in faux tropical (put coconut on anything, and they'll call it tropical) treats? Carrying all this merchandise makes my arms ache -- but here's a display full of tiny medicines and, to boot, replacement toiletries for all the stuff I left on the airplane. The Atlanta-based Paradies Shops did a good thing by opening this airport über-boutique in December after closing a few smaller stores. I can't help but agree with a traveler pushing a baby stroller, who spots the individually wrapped diapers and exclaims à la Elwood Blues: "This place has everything!"
If your pet could speak, it would probably say that going to the vet is for the birds. And it would be right in a way. Dr. Karen Zielezienski (that's Dr. Z to her patients) has been practicing avian medicine and surgery for more than 12 years, and she's one of a handful of AAV (Association of Avian Veterinarians) members in South Florida. Dr. Z is always willing to share her expertise through Notes from Academy, the animal hospital's monthly newsletter. In addition to bird-care information, the good doctor provides updates on the latest medical innovations in use at the hospital and health care tips for dogs and cats. Dr. Z is ably assisted by Dr. David Stewart, who cares for critters in a career that has spanned more than 30 years. Academy is equipped with state-of-the-art laboratory facilities, surgery suites, ultrasound capabilities, laser surgery, and air-conditioned boarding. And the staff will clean up your mangy mutt or grimy kitty. Groomer Michael Argilan can coif your cocker or fit your longhaired cat with a lion cut for the summer. Whether they're ill or just in need of a checkup, pets get the best care from the entire staff at Academy, paws down.
Your bank account is down to its very last $9.66. You have nothing in your pocket, and that pack of smokes you crave is so near, yet so far away. What to do? You could take the bus over to the check-cashing store for a payday loan. But you haven't seen a payday since you threw the wrapper away. You, my near-destitute friend, have but one option, and it is Regent Bank, which, for some unfathomable reason, still uses first-generation mechanical money trees that dispense $5 bills, not just the ubiquitous tens and twenties most ATMs spit out. Thus you can yank your last fin without entering the red zone. Most of us thought ATMs that still gave out $5 bills followed Reagan out of the White House, but we were wrong. Yes, you'll pay $1.50 for the privilege if your account is with another bank. But that cigarette -- or can of Foster's -- never tasted so good.
All right, Pharo's isn't, technically speaking, a barber shop. Barber shops are generally cheap and devoutly heterosexual in nature. Men are men, and when one walks into a barber shop, even his hair gets nervous. Or at least it should be nervous. We've found that barber shops are a dicey proposition at best. It's probably not so much that the quality has declined as that expectations in this oh-so-vain world have risen as high as Don King's comb. That's why we present you with Pharo's. The services are not cheap (nor are they exorbitant, at $17 for a cut and wash), but they're damn good. And at Pharo's you don't hear a bunch of tedious talk about sports, hunting, or current events. Walter, who trims our hair, instead might spin you the tale of his life in Cape Coral and how he inspired a macho sheriff's deputy to become a manicurist. Now that's entertainment.