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Best Of 2003

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Best Of :: People & Places

Best Cheap Thrill

Cheesy, cheap, sleazy, slutty, whorish. It would take a linguistic surgeon to discern the fine line among the terms. Still, you know cheap when you see it. At the Budget Inn on Federal Highway, they have two rooms of Austin Powers-like, circa ´70s, dirty, disco-queen fantasy. Slip into a pair of platform heels, slide into a vinyl mini, and don giant, tinted, rimless sunglasses, then rendezvous with your inner bad girl. For $99 a night on weeknights or around $125 on weekends, you can rent a room with a heart-shaped bed that has sides upholstered in red vinyl. There´s a red, heart-shaped Jacuzzi for two nearby and XXX movies on the television 24 hours a day. The whole room is lighted with warm, red, slut-seeking spotlights. It´ll make you feel cheap, guaranteed.

Ron Gunzburger

Q: Do you watch reality-TV shows?

A: I live with someone who really likes them. We share the remote, so I've seen Survivor for a few seasons. I've seen some of Big Brother and Joe Millionaire. Then there's the reality-game show hybrids, like Blind Date. That's pretty funny. The one I can't stand is Fear Factor. It's not even a game of skill but of who can be the biggest moron -- like, I'll give you 100 bucks if you stick your hand in a hive of bees. Just a lowlife endurance contest. The smartest contestants are the ones who walk off and say, "You people are a bunch of idiots."

Q: Is there one that you especially like?

A: Amazing Race, where the contestants actually go around the world looking for clues. These people actually have to use some ingenuity. Part of it is staying under control and doing the best you can. I like seeing where they go. They're always on a train or something, and then, in American tourist fashion, they run up and grab their clue and they're off again. It's the only reality show I'd even entertain the idea of going on.

Q: Do you think reality TV is a good thing?

A: I guess it's a lot cheaper to produce. You don't have to pay actors or writers. Just film the stuff and pay editors. I'm not sure how real it is, though, when they shoot 90 hours of footage and cut it down to 22 or 23 minutes.

Q: Are there things in the shows that relate to your own world?

A: Well, most politicians aren't the types that would like that sort of attention. Then there's the handful that don't know the difference between good press and bad press. They'd eat slugs as long as Channel 4 was there to film it.

Best Reason to Live in South Florida

C'mon, we all want that 15 minutes of fame. Well, maybe we want it for a little longer than that, more like eight to ten hours of prime time on a reality-television show. And if you're wise enough to move here from the peasant-filled snowy lands of the north, you´re already ahead of the pack in preparing mentally and physically for the little screen. Welcome to our reality. First, there´s the weather. The summers are Amazon-hot, and the midday steam can stifle you like an anaconda wrapped around your chest. Think some puny tropical island that Survivor throws your way is any worse? Second, there are plenty of bugs and crawly things. Fear Factor routinely subjects its contestants to spiders, beetles, and other slithery creatures. A true South Floridian laughs at this sitcom. We encounter more hexapods, arachnids, and arthropods making breakfast and showering in the morning than Fear Factor competitors see in three seasons. Third: The Great Race? Interstate 95. ´Nuff said. And finally, the most burgeoning category in reality TV, coupling up, which can be seen on the likes of The Bachelor and Married by America. Living in an area that virtually invented spring break, we have the beachfront know-how and bars to hook up quickly, disingenuously, and deviously.

Best Place to Meet Members of the Opposite Sex
Buehler Planetarium

Hi, there. Come here often? Yeah, me too. My guess is that star-struck lovers like, um, us have been wandering into this planetarium since it was built in 1965. I must say, your eyes look lovely in the moonlight. Or should I say, the simulated moonlight? See that bright light right up there? Lean against me and look where I´m pointing. That´s not a star; it´s Venus. The ancients believed that Venus controlled the emotion of love. Maybe that´s because it seems to flicker bright, then dims a bit, then is bright again. Kind of like the roller coaster of love, hmmm? Ooh, look! A falling star! Make a wish! No, I can´t tell or it won´t come true. I´ll just say it involves a heavenly body. C´mon, let me show you the Zeiss M1015 star projector. It´s completely computer-automated. Hold my hand, ´cause it´s kinda dark in here, and I wouldn´t want us to get separated.

3501 Southwest Davie Rd., Davie, 33314
MAP
954-201-6681
Best Place for Girls to Meet Girls

Monday night at the Gay and Lesbian Community Center of South Florida is better than even Saturday night at the hottest bar. Host Laurie Weiner facilitates meetings of the Women´s Rap Group, where you not only get to meet and chat with a couple dozen women of all flavors but you´ll hear the gory details of the many relationships that got started in the windowless room. Many of the women delight in sighing and moaning about their new loves and share every detail from courting to very dramatic breakup. You can meet the woman of your dreams; get dating advice from the group; describe trials, tribulations, and great sex; ponder how to dump her when she gets crazy; and then regale the group with stories of her psychoses until you finally move on. In lesbian time, that process usually takes a couple of weeks. Until the Miami Sol folded after the 2002 season, Broward and Palm Beach dykes had to trek down to the AmericanAirlines Arena to watch women watching the basketball game, hoping to meet the loves of their lives strolling around during halftime. Now, it´s four bucks at the GLCC. Instead of a halftime show, the center´s infamous security guard shows up without fail ten minutes before the end of the meeting to participate in the sex talk that closes out every session. At the end of the night, women who make a connection can follow the rest of the crew to Stork´s Bakery and Coffee House for more personal conversation.

Best Place for Boys to Meet Boys

Our 2001 winner of the Best Independent Cinema has the most gay-themed films outside of a queer film festival, making it a great place for boys with brains or a penchant for art films to hook up. The kiosk to the left of the concession stand beats out even Holiday Park for cruising. The four-sided kiosk offers pencils and index cards for your opinions, and the theater gallantly allows even the bad reviews to remain. Each film gets its own side of the square. If you´re a snob, make fun of the spelling and grammar mistakes on the handwritten reviews and see who agrees with you. To find a shared sense of humor, see who laughs at the same comments you do. If he´s cute and you don´t care about anything else, just check out which film he´s interested in and follow him into the theater. Whether you´re shy or bold, the reviews give you a dozen easy ice breakers ranging from, ¨Have you seen that film yet?¨ to ¨I have all his other movies on DVD. Do you want to watch them at my place before or after we see this one?¨

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Best Cheap Thrill: Budget Inn North

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