Best Public Restrooms (2008)

That One on the Beach...

The best public restroom in South Florida is a marvel. It's got a gorgeous view of the ocean and is very near to all of Fort Lauderdale's best beach bars. It's a quick walk from both BeachPlace and Las Olas Boulevard. It's also robotic — self cleaning, if you can dig it — and runs on a timer to keep the pissers on task. Also: it doesn't exist. The Fort Lauderdale city commissioner's harmless toilet scheme was derailed last year thanks to a series of harebrained comments from Mayor Jim Naugle, who claimed that the timer-equipped toilet would be used to keep gay men from shagging in the loo. This naturally raised the ire of the non-loo-shagging gay population (which is, you know, pretty much all of them), who were quick to recount all the times their own psyches were irreparably damaged when they stumbled upon heterosex in the city's many non-robotic stalls. And so a debate was had, ugly viewpoints were aired, and Mayor Jim's ceaseless fanning of the flames finally exposed him in public for the attention-hogging, dirty-minded parasite he is. Which means Fort Lauderdale Beach's non-existent toilet is maybe the single greatest shitter in the land — with the possible exception of a very real john in the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport.

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