Have you heard the one about the comedian who told some dirty jokes 20 years ago and was labeled a sex comic? That would be Robert Schimmel, whose candid talk of sex unfairly earned him a controversial reputation. But Schimmel's not merely a sex comic. That's like calling him a cancer comic because he also talks about surviving non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. And though it's easy to offend people with either topic, Schimmel's always the butt of his own jokes, whether he's asking his doctor about pubic hair wigs after chemo or trying unsuccessfully to coax his wife into a new sex position. But Schimmel notes that people typically remember one thing, and it ain't jokes about raising kids. "It's funny how I get labeled a sex comic, but when you listen to my act, I never get laid," he says. If only all comedians were that honest. Schimmel performs tonight through Sunday at the Palm Beach Improv at CityPlace (550 S. Rosemary Ave., Ste. 250, West Palm Beach). Tickets cost $16.96 to $19.08. Schimmel requests that fans bring CDs, books, video games, and other items he can donate to patients at the Sylvester Cancer Center. Call 561-833-1812. --Jason Budjinski
Get Duffed Up
Can 30 million teenagers be wrong?
FRI 8/13
Flash back to your elementary school years. Mötley Crüe was the band to idolize. Shout at the Devil was the soundtrack to your life. You scribbled the lyrics to "Too Young to Fall in Love" on your book covers ("not a woman but a whore/I can taste the hate") and you lived to see Tommy Lee play the drums upside-down while wearing a leather bikini -- after setting himself on fire, of course. Back then, Cyndi Lauper argued that girls just wanna have fun; nowadays, girls just wanna load into the minivan, buckle their seat belts, and exercise their girl-crushes on squeaky-clean 16-year-old Hilary Duff, who plays the Office Depot Center (1 Panthers Pkwy., Sunrise) Friday night. We don't know what happened, but kids today... they're sick! Probably because of the subliminal messages on Duff's Metamorphosis record. Play it backward and hear Hil cast a spell on her followers: "Go to the mall, wear pink, stay safe!" Tickets cost $37 to $47. Call 954-523-3309, or visit www.ticketmaster.com. --Deirdra Funcheon
Uke-lear Weapon
Shred, Jake, shred!
SAT 8/14
A few questions for Jake Shimabukuro, "the Jimi Hendrix of the ukulele": When you are blowing on the ukulele, do your cheeks puff out like Dizzy Gillespie's? "No they don't. I must really be doing something wrong." What is a ukulele anyway? "It's a tiny, four-stringed instrument used for flossing teeth." Why have you dedicated your life to playing this instrument? "Because I love to floss." Do ukulele players get lots of chicks? "Well, I don't think girls are really into ukulele players. Lead vocalists and guitar players get them all!" See Jake tear up the ukulele (Hawaiian for "fingers jumping like fleas") at the Broward Center for the Performing Arts (201 SW Fifth Ave., Fort Lauderdale) at 7:30 p.m. Saturday. Tickets cost $27.50. Call 954-462-0222. --Deirdra Funcheon
Clutch Hold
THU 8/12
Clutch is the kind of band that makes you want to pick up an electric guitar and start rocking out -- even if you can't play. With influences ranging from Led Zeppelin to Otis Taylor, Clutch fuses funky, wah wah pedal-driven jam sessions and classic-rock riffage without sticking to formula. How many rock bands use a fiddle? Clutch performs at 8 p.m. Thursday at the Culture Room (3045 N. Federal Hwy., Fort Lauderdale). Admission costs $15. Call 954-564-1074. --Jason Budjinski
