If you're a guy who's down in the dumps after being dumped, don't ask Jake Johannsen for advice. Sure, he can make you laugh about it — he is a comedian, after all. But Johannsen's got his own problems, as he explains on his CD Live at Cobb's Comedy Club. In the bit "Distractions from Women Problems," Johannsen questions his friends' advice to watch porn as a way to get over being single. That goes double for lesbian porn. Why? "I have a hard time figuring out which one I'm supposed to pretend to be," he quips. While that may sound like any variety of male comic, Johannsen's material isn't limited to sex and dating jokes; extraterrestrials, dogs, and senior drivers all have a place in his live act. Besides, the comic's unassuming, laid-back style is more eccentric than macho. Maybe that's why he's been on the Late Show with David Letterman some 29 times. Johannsen performs tonight through Saturday at the Improv Paradise Live (5700 Seminole Way, Hollywood). Tickets cost $15.90 to $18.02. Call 954-981-5653, or visit www.improvftl.com. (JB)
FRI 2
According to the dictates of astrology, people born under the Aquarian sign are characterized as original and inventive. The same could be said for those gathered under a different Aquarian sign — the one above the half-gallery, half-boutique shop known as the Aquarian Age (2884 N. Federal Hwy., Boca Raton). At tonight's Meet the Artists event, the Age of Aquarius is in full swing, as the people behind the artwork come together to share in their collective creativity. On exhibit are the surrealist dreamscapes of Mimi Botscheller and Sharon Shevell, the angelic photography of Diane Blazy, and the nature-inspired watercolors of Nina Unger, as well as pieces by Lena Luckey, Gabriele Alexander, Brent Miller, and Sharon Huff. Thirsty? That's OK; there are plenty of refreshments available at the free event, which takes place from 6 to 10 p.m. Call 561-750-9292. (JB)
SAT 3
John Valby looks more like a retired Clockwork Orange droog than a piano man. But then again, he's not exactly Billy Joel. Valby's more like an R-rated "Weird" Al Yankovic. The musical satirist known as "Dr. Dirty" has spent the past three decades regaling audiences with his prurient brand of pop-music lampoonery. Here are some of the themes Valby has reworked into the classics: having a small member ("Chim-Chiminee"), bestiality ("American Pie"), masturbation ("Just the Two of Us"), and — this is a real stretch here — having a big member ("Titanic"). And if Valby's lyrical content weren't abrasive enough, get a load of his vocal skills. What's he sound like? Well, just imagine a male version of Edith Bunker and you're on the right track. The foul-mouthed piano man performs Friday and tonight at the New York Comedy Club (8221 Glades Rd., Boca Raton). Tickets cost $15 to $20. Call 561-470-6887, or visit www.nyccboca.com. (JB)
SUN 4
The poor Miami Dolphins. They keep getting put to shame by Head Coach Nick Saban, who tells the media stuff like, "I haven't been pleased with the tackling on the perimeter of our defense for several weeks now. We are either going to get it out of the guys we have or we are going to get somebody who will do it, because that won't be tolerated." When talking about the 22-0 beatdown they received from the Browns, Saban said, "We didn't have, maybe, the precision that we needed at times to get things executed, in terms of the protection, route-running, and the decision-making at the quarterback position, so it is not really any one area." Now, how are they supposed to get their morale up and put some points on the board when their leader talks to them like he's their mean ol' daddy? Maybe they need you out there in your best orange-and-blue getup and your giant foam finger. Take yourself out to the ball game as the Fins face the Buffalo Bills at Dolphins Stadium (2267 Dan Marino Blvd., Miami). Visit www.miamidolphins.com. (DF)
MON 5
The Palm Beach Jewish Film Festival started Thursday and runs through December 11. Today's films include Metallic Blues (at 1:30 p.m.), a tragi-comic road movie about Israeli car dealers who ship a metallic-blue, 1985 Lincoln Continental limo — and themselves — to Germany. At 3:30, check out Sentenced to Marriage, a documentary about the Kafka-esque process of divorce for Jewish women in Israel. In a country with little separation between church and state, divorce is dealt with according to archaic and fundamentalist orthodox Jewish laws. That'll be shown with Purity, a documentary showing how contemporary religious women often "struggle to fulfill their own individual needs" while following the purity laws of niddah, the 10-to-12 day period when women are forbidden to touch their husbands. And at 7:15, catch The First Time I Was Twenty, a comedy about a 16-year-old girl who fulfills her dreams of joining her high school jazz band, but when she does, the rest of the (all-male) band members act mean — and anti-Semitic. All films are at the Regal Delray Beach 18 (1660 S. Federal Hwy., Delray Beach). Tickets cost $8. Visit www.palmbeachjewishfilm.org. (DF)
TUE 6
Upon first listen, Malcolm Holcombe's gravelly voice sounds like the product of a bad chain-smoking habit. But as you listen deeper, paying attention to his vocal inflection and lyrical content, Holcombe's voice sounds more like that of a weary traveler than a nicotine addict. On his latest album, the self-produced I Never Heard You Knockin', the North Carolina native goes full-on acoustic, bringing to mind the Deep South balladry of Johnny Cash and offbeat folk of Tom Waits. Like any good Southerner, Holcombe writes about what he knows — workin' like a dog, havin' the blues, and livin' the quiet life. In the passionate and soulful "This Town Knows Me," Holcombe hits one of the album's highest notes ("This town knows me lyin' on my face/Broken gutters and cussin' the rain"). Yeah, damn that no-good rain. Holcombe performs tonight at the Bamboo Room (25 S. "J" St., Lake Worth). The show starts at 9 p.m. Tickets cost $5. Call 561-585-2583. (JB)
WED 7
"If you thought the Dickens classic A Christmas Carol couldn't be improved upon, then you must see A Queer Carol, a modern-day gay version of this wonderful classic." That's how the Wilton Manors Theatre Group is touting its latest production, in which "Scrooge is an interior designer living in Manhattan, Tim and Cratchit are lovers, Tim has AIDS, Scrooge and Marley were lovers, Marley died of AIDS and drug abuse," and the Ghost of Christmas Past is... Marilyn Monroe. Tickets cost $22.50, and shows go down at 8:30 p.m. select nights between now and December 17 in the Studio at the Fort Lauderdale Children's Theatre (640 N. Andrews Ave., Fort Lauderdale). Call 954-803-6719, or visit www.wmtheatregroup.com. (DF)
