Nine Things to Look Forward to Now That Barry Bonds Is the New Marlins Hitting Coach

After many days of speculation and rumors, the Miami Marlins have made it official and are naming Barry Bonds their new hitting coach. Bonds, who has zero coaching experience, is currently the home-run king and considered one of the greatest hitters in baseball history. There's also that whole steroid thing he's been connected to. But, obviously, that isn't stopping the Fish from signing Bonds to help their players with their hitting.

A signing like this will be met with some inevitable skepticism, but the Marlins love making a big slash, particularly in the off-season and particularly when it's mostly meaningless. But, there's also reason for optimism now that Bonds is on board and a member of the Marlins staff.

Here are nine things we're looking forward to seeing now that Barry Bonds is here:


9. Batting Practice
Batting practice is usually a fun experience to take in, especially when it comes to seeing Giancarlo Stanton belt some dongs into the stratosphere. But now that Bonds is here, here's to hoping he partakes in batting practice every now and then himself. Maybe have friendly competitions with Stanton? Their own home run derby? Think of the possibilities. In fact, the Marlins should just do away with their Friday post game concerts featuring washed 80s' freestyle artists and have a Stanton-Bonds Friday Night Mash-Off instead. With fireworks, of course.

8. Barry Bonds Marlins Jersey
If the Marlins are truly the sycophantic, soulless, opportunistic trolls that they always are, they'll be selling Barry Bonds Marlins jerseys in the team store. Never mind that teams usually don't sell jerseys that belong to coaches and managers. But these are the Marlins, and they're going to milk this Bonds shit for as much as damn possible (expect Barry Bonds bobble head night!). Still, we can finally pretend that Bonds plays for the Marlins now, which is kinda of cool and sad at the same time.

7. His Surliness With the Media
Barry Bonds leads all of sports in contempt for the media. Maybe that'll change now that he's no longer playing, but we don't think it will. And if Marlins' hitters start to struggle, he's going to have to answer. And that'll be fun. Because surly Barry is entertaining.
6. Stanton's Homeruns Being Even More Potent Now
Seriously, if Bonds can somehow make Stanton an even better hitter, it's going to be bananas. Stanton's massive strength combined with Bonds' uncanny ability to hit any pitch anywhere, whoa boy. Stanton is going to start hitting the baseball into other dimensions, if this all works out.

5. The Call for Bonds to Play When the Marlins Have Another Inevitable Fire Sale
It's going to happen. Because it happens every year. The Marlins will be 15 games below .500 and a billion games out of first, and the solution from management will be to start selling off their best and most promising players for minor leaguers who are eight years away from being ready to be called up. When it happens, the next logical solution will be to ask Bonds to un-retire and join the team. Don't think for a second Jeffrey Loria and David Samson won't entertain this idea. 

4. A-Rod Rumors!
Now that Miami has brought in one big-name — albeit tainted and allegedly steroid-drenched — controversial legend, we can expect those Alex Rodriguez rumors to start swirling again. When the Marlins were in need of a manager, rumors began to fly that they were hoping A-Rod would retire from the Yankees so they could offer him the manager's job. Because, Marlins. But the Bonds thing started out the same way, and now it's a reality. So, as soon as A-Rod starts to entertain walking away from playing, you can expect his name to be tied to the Marlins. And sure, we have a brand new manager who just signed a four-year contract but when the hell was the last time a manager stayed on for the length of his contract down here? 

3. All of the Is Stanton Juicing? Debates That Will Suddenly Surface
It's gonna happen. Because people are dumb.


2. Screw those people.... STANTON IS BEING COACHED BY BARRY BONDS NOW
Seriously.... It's gonna be lit.


1. The Inevitable Blow Up Between Bonds and Loria That Leads to Bonds Quitting or Being Fired 
Jeffrey Loria is a know-it-all toad-faced bridge troll, and no manager or coach — no matter how accomplished — has ever survived a clash with him. From Joe Girardi to Ozzie Guillen to Mike Redmon, Loria has shown time and again that's he's a narcissistic, megalomaniac who truly believes that it's his really good managers' fault the team sucks and not his cheapness and meddling. Bonds has as big an ego as anyone. They will have disagreements. There will be blood.