It's been about a year now since you've been plugging away with your garage rock band, sweating in a non-air-conditioned warehouse space, and losing sleep over late-night practices. Mostly it's resulted only in your showing up late for your retail gig at Urban Outfitters. All this time, and you and your group of guys or gals have yet to reap the benefits of all that hard work. What gives? Is there something wrong with your sound? Maybe you just need a bassist with more oomph? Or is it that audiences just don't get what you are going for?
These are all valid questions, but which one is the reason you haven't blown up yet? How many more gigs can you perform for audiences of two or three? It's getting frustrating for sure, but no worries -- County Grind is always here to help. We got together with a few local notable musicians and crafted this nifty checklist to help you find out if it's just that your band sucks.
18. If you have deafening distortion on all your songs and you don't own or use a fuzz box, it may be time to hang it up.
17. If your lead singer lists Creed's Scott Stapp and Nickelback's Chad Kroeger as major influences on your social media sites, signs are not good.
16. If your kick drum is held together by duct tape, it may be time to call it quits.
15. If your PA picks up the local NPR radio station, we'd say it's probable you are wasting your time.
14. If your band has only ever been paid in free drink tickets, chances are high you are not on the right track.
13. If your frontman wears JNCo jean shorts (or any jean shorts, for that matter) onstage, you may need to rethink matters.
12. Likewise, if said lead singer insists on wearing his Oakleys at indoor shows, you may have to consider heading in a new direction.
11. If your only groupies are your bassist's mother and your drummer's tenth-grade English teacher, the harsh truth is that your band may be lame.
10. If your keyboardist gyrates more than he actually strikes the keys, maybe you guys should hang it up.
9. If your band is trying to bring back rap-metal's glory days, your band's future is really bleak.
8. If you have songs named after or about Jägerbombs, lemon drops, or any other shady shots, best you just walk away from the group.
7. If your amps have only two prongs, you should proceed with caution.
6. If your keyboard is actually a Casio bought on sale at Walmart and its programmed beats are an invaluable part of almost all your songs, it's a real read flag, bro.
5. If the lead singer sports a mullet and you are not a country band, just give it up.
4. If your band only ever serves as mere ambient noise in a bar, things are not going well.
3. If the only bar your band ever plays at is better known for its chicken wings than its live acts, your band might suck.
2. Additionally, if every time you play at the aforementioned wing bar your band finishes a number and the crowd yells "Touchdown!" we'd say you should reevaluate membership in said unit.
1. And finally, perhaps the biggest warning sign of all, if the smartest guy in the band is your drummer, you are probably not going anywhere with this group.
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