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Andrew W.K. Lands Huge Crotch-Wipe Endorsement; Five Intimate Items He Should Promote Next

Andrew W.K. has announced a new partnership with Playtex's "Fresh and Sexy" wipes.

The product is designed to sanitize the biological fulcrums of humanoid mammals following the embarrassing shitshow they call "sexual intercourse."

We are proud of AWK for momentarily taking off his party hat and donning the tasteful cap of a man with testicles cleaner than an operating room.

And now that he's gone there, we can't help but imagine all sorts of other intimate items we would like to see the feel-good guru promote next.

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Andrew W.K. Lands Huge Crotch-Wipe Endorsement; Five Intimate Items He Should Promote Next

5. Andrew W. Bidet

North Americans don't realize that they walk around with deplorable, filth-caked bootyholes. Maybe Andrew W.K. could be the one who finally civilizes the doo-doo denying West by introducing these fecal-mongers (and their bootyholes) to the divine cleanliness (and exotique pleasure) of a fire hose jet stream of cleansing H20. He could be the anus-oriented John The Baptist.

Andrew W.K. Lands Huge Crotch-Wipe Endorsement; Five Intimate Items He Should Promote Next

4. Andrew W.K.'s "I Wanna See You Go Wild" Catheter

For the average norm, "going wild" entails drinking alcohol and raising their voice. But Andrew W.K. wants to see you go wild, which entails nothing short of throwing yourself with wild nihilistic abandon into the most savage zones of the circle pit while wearing a fully-loaded catheter. Spraying pure pee-pee all over a bunch of moshing mooks is truly some hard fucking partying. 


 

Andrew W.K. Lands Huge Crotch-Wipe Endorsement; Five Intimate Items He Should Promote Next

3. "Party Hairless" Pube Trimmer by AWK

According to Our Imagination -- a vile criminal and notorious chronic public masturbator -- Andrew W.K.'s testicles are smoother than bowling balls. But twice as big.

Andrew W.K. Lands Huge Crotch-Wipe Endorsement; Five Intimate Items He Should Promote Next

2. Andrew Wilkes-Krier presents, "She is Beautiful (and Packing Heat)" Strap-On Prosthetic Penis and Strobe Light

In the increasingly day-glo EDM-obsessed Age of Ultra, everybody and their corny cousin from back home is poppin' a Molly, forcibly shoving glow sticks into every available orifice, and making out with trees. And this is, like, during the work week. There's no doubt that pop electronica has dosed and sexualized pop culture to an extent that we haven't seen since the dawn of Flower Power. W.K. needs to capitalize on horn-e-music, and pronto.

Andrew W.K. Lands Huge Crotch-Wipe Endorsement; Five Intimate Items He Should Promote Next

1. Penis Sock Puppets, Andrew W.K., and The Singularity

At this point, we're pretty much just sitting around waiting for The Singularity a.k.a. that sweet, sweet moment when the entire planet is converted into a Rubix Cube shaped Borg-like entity with one monochromatic consciousness constituted by 1s and 0s. Needless to say, we're bored and could use some entertainment. Can you think of anything more entertaining than Puppetry of the Sock Puppet Penis as performed by Andrew W.K.? 




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