Beach Blanket Beeyotch

Five thousand bucks for a seat?
Alvaro Diaz-Rubio

Outtakes has long been fascinated by Memorial Day Weekend in South Beach, AKA Urban Beach Week — even if the past couple of years have looked more like Sausage Week, what with the lack of ladies strutting about (the usual groups of naive 15-year-olds notwithstanding). Given that people come by the Impala-load down to South Beach year after year, here's a heads-up on what to do, what not to do, and what to expect.

Street Performance

First off, even though this is allegedly hip-hop weekend, don't expect a whole lot of street-corner ciphers, cardboard-on-the-floor b-boys, over-the-top DJs, or big-time throw-up artists. Sure, those are the four elements of hip-hop culture, but this weekend's about the lesser elements — getting laid, getting tanked, yelling at strangers, proving you're hard, and showin' off your bling.


When it comes to wheels, forget about 22-inch rims or even 24-inch rims — you need to get some 28s, bitch. Expect plenty of Donk aficionados to be showin' off their latest hubcaps. If you're lucky, you'll catch a glimpse or two of some Pimpstar wheels — you know, the ones that display computer images via a wireless modem inside the wheel. Not bad for almost 20 grand a set, right?


Be on the lookout for nervous-looking tourists, especially families from Idaho. There's a reason they got that discounted travel package, only it doesn't come with a free Paul Wall grill. Also, watch for homeless minstrels, dancers, street poets, and that one smelly dude who always hangs out on Washington Avenue.

Drop the 'Tude

If someone stares you down or gives you the bird, it's a good idea to let it go. Just drive away. Oh, and make sure you're not completely sauced when you do it. You don't want to get arrested with that "18-year-old" honey in your back seat. Chances are, you don't have the high-priced lawyer R. Kelly does to beat a statutory rape case. — D. Sirianni

Sky Beef

Unless you're a headline junkie or celebrity news fiend, you probably missed the item about DMX's May 13 arrest at London's Heathrow Airport. After all, the only crime the bald, gruff rapper born Earl Simmons committed was being obnoxious during the flight — not the most gangsta thing to get busted for. He spent a few hours in the clink and was let off with a caution. But that's only half the story, says an American Airlines flight attendant who spoke with Outtakes about the incident (and wishes to remain anonymous). What the wire reports glossed over was the thing that prompted DMX's outburst in the first place — a beef. Sure, hip-hop feuds are a dime a dozen, as are sky rage incidents. But this is no mere battle of rap-star egos, our flight attendant friend assures us.

"There was a patient involved in a medical emergency — a woman in her late 60s who had low blood pressure," the attendant says. "We moved her up front, on the aisle across from DMX. He was being loud and using profanity, complaining that he paid $5,000 for a seat. The woman said, 'Why don't you grow up and let the flight attendant do his job?' DMX said, 'Shut up and mind your fucking business.' So I jumped in and told him, if he doesn't shut his mouth, I'll have the captain get the police. He said, 'Get the motherfucking police — I don't give a damn.' So I told the captain. When cops came to get him, he started acting like a badass, saying, 'I didn't do nothing. '"

Apparently, DMX, whose career has been less-than-stellar of late, was in rare form even before the flight began.

"When he boarded at JFK, he was on his cell phone being loud, like he was mad at whoever he was talking to. I told him to keep his voice down and not use profanity. While waiting to take off, he started air-boxing."

And the fun continued.

"He was saying, 'Motherfuck this, motherfuck that.' He was mad because he couldn't find his headset. Then he started complaining about paying $5,000 for a seat. Everyone looked at him like, 'Yeah, so did we — so what?'"

That's good stuff, right? Why didn't the news reports mention any of this?

"I talked to an AP reporter," the flight attendant says. "He said they were trying to avoid making more of it because sometimes [rap/rock stars] try to do these things for attention."

Ah, so maybe that's what this fiasco is all about: lagging album sales. — Jason Budjinski

The Embrace Between

It's been nearly five years since standup comic and actor Judah Friedlander (American Splendor, The Darwin Awards, Feast) incited a national hugging craze with the video for the Dave Matthews Band's hit single "Everyday." Since that time, Friedlander has compiled a series of behind-the-scenes photos at and continues to marvel at the video's long-lasting impact. While Outtakes couldn't score a hug from the cuddle-meister, we were granted an interview.

Outtakes: How did DMB rate as huggers, both individually and as a group?

Judah Friedlander: Boyd was the only one who didn't get a boner. So I'd say his hug was the best and least awkward. Just kidding; they were all cool. Some guys were harder to hug than others because I was hugging them while they were playing their instruments and singing, and I didn't want to mess them up.

Which song from last year's Stand Up — "American Baby," "Dreamgirl," or something else — best serves as a sonic backdrop to hugging?

I'll go with "Dreamgirl," but I can hug to any song.

As a fellow actor, how well did you feel Dave portrayed backwoods characters who hang out with dogs in the films Where the Red Fern Grows and Because of Winn-Dixie?

I haven't seen any of Dave's movies. The only acting I've seen him do is in his videos. He's probably fine in the movies.

As a comedian, how do you think the tour-bus-dumping-human-waste-on-people's-heads incident played comedy clubs immediately thereafter?

I don't think people joked about it too much. Most comics were too busy doing their same old tired jokes and trying to get laid instead of coming up with new jokes. And I don't talk about other people's shit incidents; I talk about my own.

Are you actually a fan of the band's music? Ever been to a DMB show? Hug anyone there?

I like DMB and became a bigger fan after doing the video. And in the video, they're really playing and singing. Usually in music videos, the singer lip-syncs, but DMB played the song live several times and sounded great. It was very cool to be in the room with them as they played. I still haven't been to one of their concerts. I'm hoping to one day go and get a backstage pass and if they play "Everyday," go on stage and hug them during the song. But I don't know how to get in contact with the band. The DMB fans have always been really nice to me, and I enjoy meeting them if they come up to me. They all seem to be really friendly people. Sometimes a little drunk or high too, if you know what I mean. — Julie Seabaugh

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