TMZ reported that the one and only Britney Spears was the object of attention in a three-way bidding war between a trio of hotels lobbying to become the home of her forthcoming Vegas extravaganza.
Waitaminute... Britney Spears is going to have a show in Vegas?
Why didn't anybody call us?
After the cut: Britney does Sin City! But how?
5. Moulin Rouge-style Extravaganza
This is the most likely scenario, so let's get it out of the way.
Presumably, everybody who runs these joints -- which hang taut as their metaphorical limbs are pulled in opposite directions by the forces of vestigial, pre-Internet, old America sleaze, and true kitsch, slathered like a boiled hot dog with heavy mayonaise in immersive "Bow to Mickey"esque compulsory sacrificial almost-literal burning of cash -- is loaded. At her most competent, Britney had a budget. So maybe we'll finally get back to full-throttle mode, a la the anancondas and x-treme erotic Jazzercise of the late '90s and early 2000s.
4. North America's Favorite Virgin Whore
To be real for a minute: Poor Britney Spears.
3. Tom Jones Inspired Revue
Now we're cookin'! Instead of slipping her in and out of stupidly cropped leotards, whoever makes these kinds of decisions needs to redesign Brit's entire costume closet in homage to the greatest entertainer Vegas has ever known. We'll have her do Jones through the ages, which will essentially just be Britney Spears dressing up like Tom Jones and then wearing more and more old age makeup. So like Benjamin Button in reverse with a dash of Mars Attacks and a cameo from The Fresh Prince of Beil-Air's Alfonso Ribeiro doing the Carlton.
2. Fear, Loathing, and Controlled Substances
Fuck it. Get her loaded, a microphone, and on a stage with the spotlight cranked, Then let it ride.
1. Sloppy Strip Club
During the peak of her completely insane career's golden age, Britney Spears was -- in addition to a talented vocalist and a devout Midwestern Christian turned worldwide spank bank totem -- essentially an erotic dancer. But that was 10 years ago. Its time to recalibrate. We're thinking less King of Diamonds and more Take One Lounge.
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