Monday, March 4, 2013 at 1:02 p.m.
Bryan Adams. You certainly can write a power ballad, no one's denying that. However, when it comes to picking out baby names, you'd think you were homeschooled. Everyone knows the real reason you don't get too creative with your child's name; it's because they will be haunted by your poor decision-making for the rest of their lives. From grade school, to first dates. Job interviews, award ceremonies, and finally a goofy ass tombstone. Your spawn will always be on guard and develop a complex because of the stupid moniker you have bequeathed them.
You're obviously trying to come up with awful names when you named your newborn Lula Rosylea. But even still, you, Bry-Bry, get a C-. We understand. You want her to learn about the harsh realities of life early, an approach that's cruel, but effective. It's just that we just haven't known you to half-ass anything before! Would you be the multi-platinum, Grammy Award-winner that you are today if you lazily threw together sappy lyrics over redundant chord progressions?
We hope that with your next kid, you go all out, balls-to-the-wall, dumbest name ever. For your convenience, here's a list of five worse baby names than Lula Rosylea and Mirabella Bunny. We had to try really hard.
5. Gandalf TheWhite Adams
The world of fantasy and sci-fi literature is ripe with made-up names for the taking. Let your imagination run wild! Just pick your favorite character, or your least favorite, or some background character that's only mentioned once. It doesn't matter. All of the names are stupid anyways.
Runners up: Kit Fisto Adams and Salacious Crumb Adams
4. Four Loko Adams
Nothing screams out "My baby's fuckin' classy, y'all!" than naming them after the alcoholic beverage that was being consumed on the night they were conceived.
Equally elegant names: Sutter Home Adams, and Steel Reserve Adams
3. Pugsly Adams
They're creepy and they're kooky, mysterious and spooky. They're all together ooky, and they're your children, Bryan Adams, not Mad Libs.
Names on par: Morticia or Fester Adams
2. UpAnd Adams
Why not do the work for the school yard bully? Maybe it'll force the hooligan to be even more creative, or have them overlook your child, as they would be deemed "too easy." Pick a catchy phrase that ends with your last name, or find a feature in your child worth poking fun at.
Names like: Chicken Legs Adams or Applehead Adams
1. Jeffrey Dahmer Adams
Few things are as engaging to a developing young mind as finding out the origin of their name. This is a prime opportunity to scar them for life. Better yet, don't tell them. Have them look it up. The expression on their face after they learn what a serial killer is will be priceless.
Ghoulishly fun names: Charles Manson Adams and Ted Kaczynski Adams
Bryan Adams. 8 p.m., April 17, at the Olympia Theater at the Gusman Center for the Performing Arts, 174 E. Flagler St., Miami. Tickets go on sale March 6, at 10 p.m. Visit http://tickets.gusmancenter.org