Celebrity Death Predictions of 2012

01. Madonna


Seriously. The Catholics don't want her. The Brits don't want her. The Jews don't want her. The only people left on the world who want her are the queers. What could be better than a fabulous gay-organized Irish funeral throughout the streets of some random major city?

We shudder to think, but Madge better realize that the spotlight now belongs to the M.I.A.'s of the world and their middle-fingers. No, kidding, we love Madonna, but she's gotta die. Magic ball don't lie!
 

02. Mike Ness

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How Mike Ness has managed to truck along on this planet is a mystery of Faustian proportions. A man whose gargantuan appetite for drugs and excess have rarely given him a Keith Richard's/coconut palm tree scare should've dropped years ago. We're confident his card will be called up this year. We're putting money on it. If not, he dies with the rest of us whenever the freaking Mayan calendar says we do.

He's the reason why many of us got off drugs.
 

03. Beyoncé


Folks, we're as surprised as you are with this one. We even offered the magic crystal ball a human sacrifice, but it stood steady and ready by this image of Jay-Z's better half taking the lonely road towards the sunset all alone. We think it might have to do with Etta James perhaps not entirely liking Beyoncé's portrayal in Cadillac Records. We can't be too sure and we'll be sad to see this one go. Specially the male staffers (gay and straight), but we must not interfere with the spirit world.

We'll all miss that booty. We don't think the booty will miss Z, but he'll miss that booty all right.
 


04. Kanye West

This one's actually kind of funny because it will happen in the most mundane setting imaginable. Mr. West will be in line at some popular L.A. food truck when a few kids (who mind you, don't recognize him), in pure jest, reenact Mr. West's Taylor Swift interruption. They will then accidentally knock him into the path of an incoming jitney. Fucking hilarious!

This fucking dumbass.
 


05. Dolly Parton

Another curveball from our dear magical crystal ball! "Why?" we asked. Screamed, actually. Why not those hyper-colored monsters like Lady Gaga or Nikki Minaj? Why this great icon of country music and plastic surgeries? Why? Well, we got no answer but the magic crystal ball showed us a future in which Ms. Parton covers a Lolo Ferrari tune. While some of us got aroused by the morbid enlargement of this quandary, we soon realized we were only aroused for the wrong reasons. Spooky.

Parallel universes can be horrible places.
 


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