The year was 1999. The place was Coral Sky Amphitheater -- now Cruzan -- and the Dave Matthews Band was on stage. I was barefoot, in cutoff denim shorts, and adorned in an assortment of hemp jewelry. The boy twirling in front of me wore Birkenstocks and khaki cargo shorts, and the scent of marijuana surrounded him. It was hippie love at first whiff.
My tastes in men and music may have changed in the thirteen years since but I'll always remember the magic that boy and I shared that night. As we stared into each others' eyes, time slowed and those songs seemed to go on forever ... and ever ...
For the gals going to the show this weekend, here's a guide to sorting the bros from the oh noes. With our help, you too can find the perfect guy to crashhhhhh...into you.
The Quintessential Bro
We all know him. We probably cringe at the sight of him. And although we don't like to admit it, we've probably had a drunken, one-night stand with him. College is a crazy time, y'all. Don't judge.
How to spot him: He's wearing jeans, Reef flip-flops, has at least one Dave Matthews Band tattoo -- either the fire dancer or some lyrics -- and is probably wearing a backwards UF cap. His choice of cologne is most likely Versace Blue Jeans, unless of course he hasn't yet worked through his bottle of Cool Water from high school. You'll find him surrounded by the rest of his former fraternity bros crooning Dave to each other. Just watch out for the beer spillage. It's going to happen if you get within their designated Bro Beer Splash Zone (read: anywhere near them).
His pick up line: Chances are he won't have anything clever to say. It'll most likely be some sort of drunken slurred, "Hey you!"
Your response: Keep being a girl. It's not even a necessity, really. Existence is fine.
His favorite DMB song: "Ants Marching"
Just follow the scent of marijuana.
How to spot him: He's got white boy dreads and smells of Patchouli. He's wearing cargo shorts, no shoes, and probably has more hemp jewelry on than you. Definitely in some sort of vintage Grateful Dead shirt. You'll find him sitting on a blanket, staring at the stars or dancing with himself in the grass. He may even be playing hacky sack with his friends while waiting for the band to come on stage.
His pick up line: "Did you see that Phish set at Bonnaroo?"
Your response: Just say yes. You can always blame getting the details wrong on some gnarly joint a dude named Bryce passed you.
His favorite DMB song: "Tripping Billies"
The Preppy Bro
Although this specimen is much like the "Quintessential Bro", he's more mild mannered and not nearly as obnoxious.
How to spot him: Most likely will be caught in a collared shirt, nice watch, and very clean Birkenstock sandals. He's holding a beer in one hand and taking video of the show with the other hand. He's probably with a lot of sorority-type girls, so approach with caution.
His pick up line: "Would you like a beer?"
Your response: "Oh. Is that...domestic?"
His favorite DMB song: "Jimi Thing"
The Ultimate DMB Fan
Ladies, don't even waste your time here. He's not interested in meeting women. He'd rather meet Dave Matthews. And he probably has since he's devoted his entire life to following the band on tour.
How to spot him: Definitely has a DMB tattoo, probably standing in one of the first few rows. Has no voice because he's been singing his heart out to every lyric for the past few months. But, honestly you don't want to spot "this guy" at all.
Pick up line: He won't have one. He's too busy singing along with the band.
Your response: This is one of the only times it's a good thing to be a girl who looks like Dave Matthews. If this is you, this is your guy.
His favorite DMB song: He can't pick just one. That's just blasphemy.
Dave Matthews Band. 7 p.m. Friday, July 20, and Saturday, July 21,
at Cruzan Amphitheatre, 601-7 Sansbury's Way, West Palm Beach. Call
561-795-8883. Tickets cost $40.50 to $75 plus fees via ticketmaster.com.
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