It's December, and we're still shvitzing in South Florida. Though winter seems to have gotten lost on its way to this peninsula, the holidays have booked their flights, packed their bathing suits, and are coming to stress you the hell out. Everyone needs a break from his or her kinfolk during these mostly hateful, sort-of-loving, lots-of-drinking times.
It's a good thing, then, that this year, there are plenty of rocking and sexy ways to celebrate Christmas and just plain old horniness. What follows are the five finest holiday blowouts Broward and Palm Beach counties have to offer in 2013.
1. XXXmas Lingerie Party
With Hard Richards, Speaking Volumes, Scar of the Tropics, and Makeway. 8 p.m. Saturday, December 21, at Propaganda, 6 S. J St., Lake Worth. Entrance is $7. Show is for those 18 and older. Call 561-547-7273, or visit facebook.com/PropagandaLakeWorth.
For eight long years, Eurotique has presented this annual holiday party for the horniest Christmas lovers. Girls who want to be objectified in their most lewd, bell-adorned ensembles get in free, and the first 30 of them get a toy from Santa at midnight. Maybe a Rudolph the Red-Nosed Vibrator? Not funny, we know.
Gals have to do their darnedest to look hot as an elf or snow bunny or just in holiday lingerie (guess there's a market for that?). How about a sensual Abominable Snowman for those who like a challenge? The lineup is stacked, like the guests, and happy hour from 8 to 10 will get you very toasty without a fire.
2. Secret Santa Show and Ugly Holiday Sweater Contest
With Atlantic, Minowi, Jeremy Hass, Lautlos, and many more. 5:30 p.m. Sunday, December 22, at the Talent Farm, 20911 Johnson St., Suite 111, Pembroke Pines. Tickets cost $5 if you bring a gift, $10 otherwise. Call 954-438-3488, or visit thetalentfarm.com.
There is no modern Christmas without an ugly-sweater party, people. This is the enduring holiday tradition of our age. Instead of sending your teacher-mom's apple-shaped Christmas-tree jumper to Kenya, you can just wear it ironically and possibly win a contest by looking less than cute. This weekend, the Talent Farm is hosting both a Secret Santa and Ugly Sweater Contest with a lengthy lineup of acts. Bring a gift worth less than $10, and wear your grandmama's clothes, 'cause there's going to be cookies around midnight.
3. The 27th Annual Matzoball
9 p.m. Tuesday, December 24, at Pangaea-Gryphon Nightclub, 1 Seminole Way, Hollywood. Tickets cost $30. Call 954-581-5454, or visit matzoball.org. Also 9 p.m., Tuesday, December 24, at Il Bacio, 29 SE Second Ave., Delray Beach. Tickets cost $30. Call 561-865-7785, or visit matzoball.org.
Finally found someone on JDate who's agreed to chill with ya? Don't know how to actually get them to meet up? Skip the corny Chinese-food-on-Christmas-Eve bit and go dance. This year's 27th-annual Matzoball is taking place at two local spots, Pangaea-Gryphon in Hollywood and Il Bacio in Delray. Even if your new internet pal is a snooze, chances are you'll snag another hot young thang at this dance party of whom Bubbe will approve.
4. Cowboys' Christmas Night Party
6 p.m. Wednesday, December 25, at Cowboys, 1805 S. University Drive, Davie. No cover before 11 p.m., $20 premium open bar from 8 to 11 p.m. Call 954-476-0063, or visit cowboys-saloon.com.
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For those a little more country than kibbutz (or those who went on kibbutz but also have a burning, achy breaky heart), Cowboys is holding a Christmas afterparty of sorts. After you've pounded the crap out of Jack Daniel's at home, you can stumble over to do a not-so-straight-line dance at this Davie hot spot. Who knows, maybe Ke$ha and Pitbull'll be back revisiting the site of their "Timber" video?
8 p.m. to 3 a.m., parties from December 19 to 25 at Trapeze, 5213 N State Road 7, Fort Lauderdale. Prices vary, but couples are $40 to $70, single women are $15, and single men are $45 to $75. Call 954-730-8121, or visit trapezeclub.com.
Trapeze proves there is no better way to alleviate your holiday grief than by boning. Almost all week, this swingers spot is hosting nights with awesome names. Feel Us Navidad Latin Night on December 19 promises some caliente moves to the salsa and stuff of DJ Al. On Friday the 20th, there's Yahoo's Naughty List; Kasidie's Sexy Snowbunnies party is on Saturday, Swingle All the Way is on Sunday, and finally, Kinky Khristmas goes down on the day itself. With Trapeze, you will be granted a horny holiday.