Five Nightclub and Bar Trends That Need to Die Soon
Mostly, when you go out on the town looking for a relaxing or fun evening, you generally would like things a certain way. You want everyone to be interesting but not annoying. At this theoretical place where you'd like to party, people are doing and wearing things that you think look good and are cool. Maybe we're crazy control freaks, but it seems reasonable enough to want to guide the actions and personhood of others to make our nights out more enjoyable.
Please, I don't care what you did last night on the crazy streets of Los Angeles. I just don't care.
5. Nightlife Photography
It's true that this is a trend that is near death. It's not like there isn't some quality nightlife photography, but most of it sucks. No one really likes waking up and seeing their cooter all over the interweb via Last Night's Party. The site essentially has become a soft-pornography click away from Ron Jeremy's dick. The Cobra Snake, once a way for Steve Aoki's life to be constantly chronicled, is now selling vintage American Apparel or something. These sites have died down, but now, nightlife photography is just teenagers shooting shots of themselves in pink booty shorts with feathers in their hair at Ke$ha shows. There is not much to not hate about this.
4. Glow Sticks in Mouths and Fake Mustaches
This was one crazy yuppy trend that appeared postraves and pre-Ultra. Is no one worried that they're going to choke on this terrible tube filled with something that glows without electricity? Perhaps then, cruelly, we might invoke the "theory" of natural selection and bid them farewell.
Yeah, being blind is SO funny, guys. So funny.
All there is to say about this is FUCK YOU, LMFAO! This foolish display of ironic nerdom started probably with nightlife photography sometime in the mid-aughts. Then by end of the decade, even little kids had big glasses they didn't need perched on their snouts. Those of us who wear glasses to actually see are offended by the display. It'd be better if they were wearing fake braces that could be tightened, and often.
It is right to hate these nerds.
2. Ironic PBR drinking
You might say you enjoy the flavor of a cold PBR, and if you're from Milwaukee, you could be telling the truth. Was the launching of PBR all over Williamsburg a response to the growth of craft beer drinking? Was it a reference to the dive bars of middle America that for some reason people who moved thousands of miles away from their hometowns in middle America decided to drink constantly in Brooklyn? You know you'd rather a Dogfishhead, so get a fucking job and buy one.
I don't care how much you think you look like Carrie Bradshaw in these; if those heels touch my shoes, you're in for it, sister.
Women in heels, we hate you. Maybe we're alone on this, but you step on our toes at shows and make us feel violent. Coming home with bleeding feet is something that pleases no one. Wear some normal shoes. No one believes you're actually that tall or that thin or that pretty. Please find some other way to feel pretty.
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