Justin Bieber, your tweenaged sister's tweetheart, has recently released news that has sent shockwaves through Bieber World: He will be releasing a book of memoirs this coming October and a 3-D biopic (Bieber-pic?) next February. OMG! We here at County Grind are really looking forward to this, but we do think it's a shame that his forthcoming adventures in South Florida on Thursday at the BankAtlantic Center won't be included in this edition. While we wait for Bieber Memoirs 2.0, here's some stuff that could happen over the course of his visit that will undoubtedly be worthy of inclusion in the sequel.
1. Bringing His Talents to South Beach
Post-show, after being escorted through the cavernous secret hallways of the BankAtlantic Center to his dressing room, he'll open the door to his solitary retreat and enter the dimly lit room, alone. After closing the door, he'll be startled when he turns around to find Pat Riley, Dwyane Wade, LeBron James, and Chris Bosh sitting around a table holding low-ball glasses and cigars. They'll ask him to take the empty seat, pour him a drink, and welcome him, "the missing piece of the puzzle," to the family, whether he likes it or not.
2. Putting the "F" in FCAT
Before he is allowed to leave stage, he will have to pass the FCAT. Worst encore ever.
3. Groupies with Walkers
Not only will Bieber have to fend off his typical tweenie devotees while in SoFla but he will be faced with the additional challenge of dealing with hordes of smitten snowbirds who adore him simply for being a cute Canadian. The amount of cheek kisses granted to the SoFla granny brigade will produce such rage and jealousy in the hearts of the tweensters that a riot will break out and Bieber will have to escape via D. Wade's powerboat while an army of police shield themselves from an unprecedented assault of Zanybands and shrill screams.
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5. Hip-hop Porn
In the wake of his recent collaborations with Ludacris and Usher and being nominated for a BET Award, Bieber is approached by our very own hip-hop legend, Blowfly. Their single, "My World (Is a Big Snatch)" bypasses iTunes and YouTube and becomes available on vinyl only in porn stores and indie record shops. Ultimately, it adds to both of the artists' "cred."