Late last week, the citizenry of Miami-Dade County was forced to see yet another one of its heroes fall -- dramatically and with the plummeting speed of an anchor thrown from a moving plane -- from grace.
Rapper Trick Daddy (real name: Maurice Young) was apprehended by police for a slew of nasty charges including driving with a suspended license and possession of both illegal firearms and controlled substances.
Things are looking pretty grim for Mr. 305. But here are some foolproof plans to get the profane rhyme-spitter back on his feet.
See also: Trick Daddy Arrested in Miramar
5. Trick Daddy Should Have His Own Reality-TV Show
It would appear the MC wouldn't be able to fake the domesticity of celebreality detritus like T.I. and Tiny: The Family Hustle or Snoop Dogg's Fatherhood, so that's out. The first and most obvious pitch for a reality television show starring Trick Daddy would be something of a one-man Celebrity Rehab. If his recent heartbreaking mug shot is any indication, the Mayor has hit rock bottom and is most likely sick and tired of being sick and tired. So, what else is there to do but get Dr. Drew on the case?
Our second choice would be a ratchet-ass competition to win Trick Daddy's heart called Flavor of Thug.
4. Trick Daddy Should Become a Public Figure Like Uncle Luke
The second career of Luther Campbell -- based on an unwavering post-2 Live Crew cult of personality -- could provide Daddy Dollars with the precise template he needs to turn that frown all the way upside down.
Maybe New Times could offer Trick his own advice column. Maybe Uncle Luke could throw a bone and make T.D. his running mate the next time he runs for public office. What Trick needs to realize is that he is adored by the entirety of Miami-Dade County and South Florida in general. Instead of hoarding guns and drugs in Miramar, he needs to be pounding the pavement, kissing babies, and pro-actively carving a niche for himself as a local celebrity. Like, uh, Pepe Billete, or something.
3. Trick Daddy Should Align Himself With the Illuminati
In the present popular-culture landscape, the only hip-hop subject hotter than trappin' and twerkin' is the avid speculation about rappers' connections to the secret society shadow governments that run the world. Jay Z and Rick Ross love to bait their audiences with suggestions that they are part of some global New World Order. Maybe T. Diddy should consider joining the Freemasons. Or at least consider rapping about them.
2. Trick Daddy Should Make a Country Techno Song
Hey, it worked for Pitbull, bro.
1. Trick Daddy Should Get Into Contemporary Art
Back in our day, rappers signified wealth and power with music videos featuring, y'know, big booties and expensive cars. Well, these days, if you're not doing the Macarena with Marina Abramovic at the MoMA, you ain't signifying shit!
Maybe Trick could follow the examples of MCs like Drake and Kanye West and start to pretend like he's really into contemporary art.
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