Five Ways Warped Tour 2011 Could Be Punk

Today, the punkest of the punks call Warped Tour a corporate sponsored, lame-o beast that is more of a capitalist venture than a true punk show. But some of us fondly recall many sun-drenched, tatt-filled summer days over the years where the Mohawked, studded, and skate-type punks came together in fields and cathartic mosh pits to share sweat and elbows as bands like the U.S Bombs, Rancid, NOFX, and Guttermouth thrashed on stage. In recent years, though, there has been a growing consensus among fans and old-school bands that Warped has gone soft(er). 

Catering to the post-Blink-182 poppy punky tweenie peeps, the fest has begun to look more like a traveling TRL than a place where tattooed middle fingers salute upside-down American flags. Though we at County Grind think that in all likelihood this trend toward the whiny, eyelined, nonpunk punk will continue this summer when the Warped Tour comes to Cruzan Amphitheatre on July 30 with a lineup that will include mostly bands hoping to become the next My Chemical Romance, Fall Out Boy, or whatever and a few old-schoolers like Pennywise and the Aquabats thrown in there, we'd like to take a moment to explore perhaps the punkest things that Warped could do to correct its trajectory. Plus, get in on the holiday gift package that they are offering through December 10. Read on for our punkest suggestions.

1. Have Marilyn Manson headline.

Frankly, the people at Warped Tour have become a bit too beautiful, with their perfectly styled emo-hair and mall purchased, prestained "punk attire." We think Manson could do some productive damage to the festival's appearance and attitude. Second, Bad Religion may not be bad enough to balance out the lineup, which is likely to include a handful of Christian bands like Underoath, for those who don't want Jesus at the party. Surely Manson would provide plenty of Satanic energy to neutralize whatever Christian hardcore may be pumping from the speakers. And, the Antichrist Superstar is apparently taking a turn toward the punk these days, so Warped Tour just may be a logical step. 

2. Get Sarah Palin

Seems like she is in the habit of whoring herself out for a few bucks, and we're sure that Warped Tour has the cash at this point to make it happen. Pay her to drop in on a half-pipe, clean porta-potties, sit at a whiskey-filled dunk tank, or just give one of those crazy speeches to incite a punk-grade riot. 

3. Get Henry Rollins

If they got Palin, we know Rollins would come for free to debate her. And, even if they didn't, having Rollins present would draw some old schoolers and maybe even bring some 3OH!3 fans into the light.

4. Jack up the ticket prices

Real punks don't pay to get into Warped Tour anyway. So if they would raise the price of admission, two things may happen that would repunkify Warped. 1) Parents of the Hot Topic shopping weenie-punks may be less likely to buy tickets, therefore thinning out their presence. And 2) real punks may become even more offended by the fest and find inspiration to jump the fence and make trouble just to stick it to 'em. 

5. Ignore all authority (including us)

Nothing is more punk than being yourself. If Warped Tour feels like being at a tweenie-friendly, emo fashion show, it should. Fuck the punks!

Warped Tour 2011. Saturday, July 30, at Cruzan Amphitheatre, 601-7 Sansbury's Way, West Palm Beach. Click here.

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