For the Weiner in Us All: 11 Odes Honoring Men's Junk
It's not polite to stare, but songs are appreciated.
President Obama has called for Anthony Weiner's resignation. If you've been living under a rock the past couple of weeks, Weiner is the New York congressman now famous for tweeting a photo of underwear-clad bratwurst to a Seattle college student. Classy, right?
Obama isn't the only one urging the man who was named one of Cosmopolitan Magazine's Real-Life Bachelors in 1996 to resign from his position and quietly retreat into his marriage in which his preggo wife is surely none-too-happy. Everyone from the Democrats to the Republicans wants this man out of their house.
But why must we all hate on a man who only wanted to proudly display the gift God gave him? Plenty of men do it daily. Hell, there's even a word for it -- sexting!
Musicians had the right idea when they started writing odes to their soldiers. Those male play things get jerked around, poked, prodded, and even cuddled with. So why not write about their pussy pilots and set it to music? Here are the 11 best songs we could find about penises.
11. Yelawolf - Box Chevy
This one is the least obvious of the 11 songs we have here. At first, it sounds like a carefully planned and clever rap right on Slim Shady's level, and it is all that. But then, if you listen to the lyrics, you hear: "But I can't cuz i gotta pretty blond thing sittin to my right dats/blowin' me now."
That's right. He's singing about blowjobs.
10. Lady Gaga - Love Game
Lady Gaga has been honest about her inspiration behind this song: a man's disco stick, if you will. In an interview with Rolling Stone, she told the reporter:
"It's another of my very thoughtful metaphors for a cock. I was at a nightclub, and I had quite a sexual crush on somebody, and I said to them, 'I wanna ride on your disco stick.'"
We appreciate honesty.
9. Chuck Berry - My Ding-a-Ling
The title alone alerted us to the fact that Mr. Berry was referring to his wang, but the song itself is clever. It basically uses a child's toy as a reference.
8. AC/DC - Big Balls
AC/DC doesn't hold back with these lyrics. They've got big balls. They have the biggest balls of all. And the fact that they're singing it with such a lewd inflection, much like Mike Meyers as Austin Powers, makes it even more uncomfortable.
7. Katy Perry - Peacock
We wonder whether she ever sings this to Russell Brand while slowly taking off her nerdy attire. All she needs is a larger version of Lady Gaga's disco stick for a stripper pole and she'd be set for a sex circus.
6. King Missile - Detachable Penis
What a sad, sad man John S. Hall must be to have to softly croon about losing his penis postparty. His monologue almost inspires those lost in society to grab life by the balls and keep searching until they find their big lebowski again.
5. Bowling for Soup - My Wena
Leave it to Bowling for Soup to make an awful song doting on cervix crusaders that's so poppy and upbeat that you'd think they're singing bubblegum rock.
4. Mickey Avalon - My Dick
Mr. Avalon knows his beef bayonet is what the ladies are looking for, and he's not afraid to sing -- err, rap -- about it. Think your dipstick is better than his? Think again, because he has a retort for everything.
3. Lil Wayne - Lollipop
We don't even need to consult our big book of penis euphemisms for this one. Lil Wayne already dubbed his goods, and the ladies are evidently lovin' his lollipop.
2. Akinyele - Put It In Your Mouth
Most of this list consists of men referencing their free willy in one way or another. Lady Gaga was at least a little modest by attempting to conceal her reference with a bland euphemism. And Katy Perry is just... Katy Perry. But Akinyele takes his johnson to another level and goes balls to the wall.
1. Riskay - Smell Yo Dick
There's really nothing we could say for this song that will top the lyrics coming out of Riskay's mouth. Sing on, girl, sing on.
Get the Music Newsletter
Keep your thumb on the local music scene each week with music news, trends, artist interviews and concert listings. We'll also send you special ticket offers and music deals.