Four Grossly Misunderstood Christmas Lyrics

Not so calm, not so bright.
Not so calm, not so bright.

It's Christmas Day, and our brains have been flooded with beautiful songs that bring a smile to our faces and confusion to our brain zones. We all sing along joyfully, because we know that the best way to spread holiday cheer is to sing loudly. But really, what the hell do some of the lyrics in these heartwarming classics mean? Let's discuss.

From "Jingle Bells": "The horse was lean and lank/Misfortune seemed his lot/We got into a drifted bank/And then we got upsot."

So, the passengers of this one-horse open sleigh are kicking it,

cruising through Snowtown, America. They happen to notice the horse is

skinny as hell, down on his luck. Horsey loses control and ends up in a

snow bank, and they get upsot.

They don't get upset; they get upsot -- a word that spell-check

is questioning the shit out of. According to our intense research, upsot

means capsized, but in 19th-century English. It's also archaic slang

for wasted. Yay! What a joy, blitzed and capsized in a bank of snow with

a malnourished horse.

From "Silent Night": "Silent night, holy night/All is calm, all is bright/'Round yon virgin mother and child."

Years of singing along wrong have led many to sing, "proud young virgin" or "round young virgin." Most historical depictions of Mary don't paint her as prideful lady or a rotund lady. It just means that every thing is bright and calm around her and sweet baby Jesus.

From "The Twelve Days of Christmas": "On the second day of Christmas/My true love sent to me/Two turtledoves."

We've never seen a turtledove. It sounds like a real tasty chocolate treat or a winged villain from Super Mario Brothers. Actually, turtledoves are monogamous birds. Your true love gives it to you in hopes that you stop doing sex with other girls. It says the two birds were sent; were they shipped FedEx, Pony Express, of by carrier pigeon? Or, are these birds like homing pigeons with which your true love can use to stalk you from a distance?

From "Winter Wonderland": "In the meadow we can build a snowman/Then pretend that he is Parson Brown/He'll say 'Are you married?'/

We'll say, 'No man, but you can do the job while you're in town.'"

Who the hell is Parson Brown, and what kind of job are the couple gonna make him do? Is it sex job? It's a snowman that they are pretending is (whoever) Parson Brown (is); do they really want cold hands or those little black things that people use for snowmen mouths on their bodies? Their bodies are a winter wonderland? At the time this was written, ministers were known as Parsons; and the job they wanted him to do is declare them man and wife. That's less weird, two young adults standing in front of pile of snow, exchanging vows.


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