Fresh Out of the Deck: Mitt Romney's Mixtape for Barack Obama
I'm not pointing, I'm about to hit play on this bitch!
Boy is this race getting heated! We, of course, refrain from overt political commentary within these pages because the New Times, and County Grind more precisely, aim to maintain an air of decorum and bipartisan neutrality. It's your vote, we do not want to sway your decision-making process with cutesy blogs about the candidates.
Nope, impartiality is the rule around this office. However, since we did get cheeky and report parts of the mixtape that Obama made for Romney, we waited with baited breath for Romney's camp to reciprocate. We're happy to see the candidates engage in a clean campaign that echoes the golden days of the American Tape Traders Network. Who knew these cats were so old school?
10. Pat Benatar - "Hit Me With Your Best Shot"
These are fighting words where we come from. Make sure Dick Cheney's nowhere around yielding a shotgun when this baby plays.
9. Los Tigres del Norte - "La Puerta Negra"
We all know how Romney is proud of his Mexican roots but we think "The Black Door" might be a little over-the-top.
8. Shooter Jennings - "The Deed and the Dollar"
We get it, Romney is hip. Maybe a little too hip.
7. Jay-Z featuring Alicia Keys - "Empire State of Mind"
We're unsure how Rom got this pick, but we figure he was drawn to the capitalist swagger of bling-bling.
6. King Missile - "Detachable Penis
A detachable penis would be completely covered under the Romney/Ryan healthcare reform plan. Stat!
5. The Eagles - "Hotel California"
Romney is a fan and good friend of Don Felder. We suggest you skip the track because we mean to entertain here, not bore you to tears.
4. Devo - "Don't Roof Rack Me, Bro!"
If you can inspire Devo to pen a tune for your pet, you know you've done something right! I'm gonna strap my cat to my thigh and wear her during election hours! Insert pussy jokes here:_________.
3. Charlie Feathers - "That Certain Female"
Another interesting pick. Rom loves the ladies though not their right to choose, well anything but which binder to show up in.
2. LL Cool J - "Mama Said Knock You Out"
Kudos for picking the MTV Unplugged version of this track. Rom wants to listen to mama.
1. UK Subs - "Stranglehold"
Now we are clearly convinced that this tape was assembled by either an intern or a robot. We guess we'll have to wait until the election is over to see whom held what over whom.
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