All everyone who never went on a skeezy spring break romp has been talking about lately is the upcoming Harmony Korine film Spring Breakers. The trailer indicates that what you'll find poolside during the first weeks of March in South Florida, is James Franco in a horribly distracting bronze-colored grill, Zac Efron's and Justin Bieber's exes all really psyched about killing, and a whole lotta dubstep.
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That last one is probably accurate. But we in Fort La-di-da-di-we-likes-ta-partay know that even though the film makes spring break look a lot more trouble than its worth, it's actually going to define "time of your life."
In reality, spring break is a week of vile, vomit-inducing binge drinking, humping of ugly strangers, and dealing with seriously inflamed, sunburnt flesh. In a word, it's liberating. When you're down here working on your "tan" and "meeting new people," you'll want to know how to barely cover your bum, so we put together a little primer on how to dress like a Fort Lauderdale spring breaker.
10. Tramp Stamp or Tribal Tattoo
You may think tramp stamps are very '90s, and that no one over the age of 25 is coming to Fort Lauderdale beach over the next few weeks. But then you'd be thinking incorrectly.
There will be tramp stamps. And if you don't have your own peeking out of your undies, how are the boys gonna know you're DTF? Those old hoes'll be flashing their slag tags and picking up the creme de la creme of dudes in tribals, i.e. your dates. Get your ink before you head South, just so there's no question about your intentions.
No one's gonna see your fart art if you don't roll those shorts down! This is one of those ghetto looks that serves a purpose: To allow you to peacock your waist, big ol' hips, and butterfly tat.
8. A Snapback
Preferably this hat is stitched with the words "Patriots" or some other team from your hometown.
7. Offensively Ugly Flip-Flops
This is one for the dudes. You have to make sure your footwear looks really "comfortable." The young ladies want to know you're not pretentious and that you're a good-time guy. The way you indicate this is by wearing the most hideous flip-flops ever, with thick straps made of light brown, fake suede.
6. Booty Shorts with Your School's Initials on the Ass
There's a good chance you'll be wearing a wet tank over your bikini and no bottoms. But what if it's breezy and the jean shorts are soaked in last night's Long Island ice teas? Well, then there are always your coochie cutters with the letters "FSU" on the ass to warm your bottom.
5. Glow Stick Necklaces
Now certainly, y'all know that the underground rave days have long ended. What now exists is some sort of horrible pop culture obsession with glowing things, pacifiers, and molly.
You'll have your molly. It's spring break. Don't you worry. And your cocaine. This is South Florida, the hub of drugs. But then you'll have to pump your outfit up with some glow stick shit, so that everyone who doesn't notice your dilated pupils gets that you're rolling, brah.
Who wants to pull out their Indiana driver's license every two seconds? These many wristbands say, "I'm over 21, bitch!" and also "I been going out, bitch!" So we get the point that you're not 17 or you have a good fake ID, and you've been there, done that. You're the queen of Fort Lauderdale Beach.
Listen. You're going to be taking shots. Lots and lots of shots. Shots off of dudes' nuts, shots from out of your friend's ass crack, shots from between their rock hard breasts. But when there's nobody to suck booze off of, the shot glass around the neck is very useful.
1. Homemade 2013 Spring Break Shirts
Bro, you know what would look real good?! If we took these tank tops and sprayed them with shit so they look like something we bought at the youth fair and have it say "Spring Break 2013! Best Ever!" You know, so that everyone like knows where we're going, and where we've been, and we can have something other than herpes to remember this week with.
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