How to Hook Up at Tortuga in Ten Easy Steps

Tortuga 2016: Get after it.
Tortuga 2016: Get after it.
Photography by James Argyropoulos

This coming weekend is all about the beach, beer, babes, and, of course, America. Fort Lauderdale’s annual Tortuga Music Festival successfully sets the stage for good times and great music to be enjoyed right in our backyard.

This perfect combination of Corona Light, sunshine, and good ol’ country tunes puts everyone in a loose and friendly mood, making it prime time for snagging some tan and toned booty.  So if you’re looking to wake up Sunday in a Bahia Cabana guest room next to a perfect-ten body like I did last year, follow these ten simple guidelines on how to get lucky at Tortuga:

Step 1: Be presentation-ready.
Girls: Wax, don’t shave, because you’re not going to want your lady parts looking like they're suffering from red tide if you opt for a cooldown in the salty ocean. Boys: Tidy up that unruly beard and even out your farmer’s tan before the big day. Everyone should remember to lather on deodorant and sunscreen, because nobody likes to bang a smelly lobster. This weekend is all about peacocking, showing your best self, so remember that a fresh haircut and a few Crest strips never hurt anybody.

Leave little to the imagination.
Leave little to the imagination.
Photography by James Argyropoulos

Step 2: Dress light.
This is most likely going to be quick and dirty — anything too elaborate will only up the chances of the whole mission falling apart. Keep your ensemble to a three-item max. It’s less to take off, and less to gather when trying to bounce after the fact. Day-to-night outfits are also key, because there’s no telling whether this is going down before the sun does, and you’ll want to be able to stay on the prowl if the afternoon is slim pickings.

Step 3: Travel light.
Stick to the essentials: condoms, phone, pocket-sized hand sanitizer, gum, and, of course, cash. In case you need to make a quick getaway, you don’t want to have to worry about forgetting your Tommy Bahama chair and backpack in the back of your Uber. You also don’t want to appear as someone who has a lot of baggage, literally. Nobody is going to want to take you back to his or her place if you come with a full-on survival pack; it’s just messy. 

You'll eventually want to downsize considerably.
You'll eventually want to downsize considerably.
Photography by James Argyropoulos

Step 4: Have a flexible crew.
Definitely roll in heavy with a hot crew, but make sure to have a wingman you can break off with if booty calls. Pro tip: A wingman should be an attractive (but not more attractive) friend with either low standards or heavy beer goggles, because they’re going to need to be ready and willing to take a grenade at any time. A good-looking and rowdy squad says, “Hey! Look how much of a fun-magnet I am!” But big crowds can be intimidating, so make sure to spin off into smaller groups before making your approach on a spotted hottie.

 

This guy clearly knows how to achieve Step 5.
This guy clearly knows how to achieve Step 5.
Photography by James Argyropoulos

Step 5: Be a walking conversation piece.
Whether it’s a cool koozie or a flashy bathing suit, have something on your person that someone else can use as an excuse to strike up a conversation. Hookups are even more fun when you didn’t have to be the one to initiate it since it takes off some of the pressure. The only downside to this is that it will be hard to lose someone if you end up with a stage-five clinger on your hands.

Step 6: Stick to beer.
Remember, Bud Light is your friend. This is a marathon, not a sprint, so slow and steady wins this race. Festivals are notoriously loud, so it’s a given that most of your conversations will involve you yelling several decibels above normal, and you don’t want to have vomit breath. Even the most potent pack of peppermint gum won’t mask the smell of thrown-up Bacardi. Besides, this is supposed to be fun, not dangerous or embarassing. Stay in control. 

Dance like everyone's watching.
Dance like everyone's watching.
Photography by James Argyropoulos

Step 7: Give zero fucks.
There is nothing more attractive than balls-to-the-wall confidence. So when Blake Shelton walks out on stage, toss on your new shades and dance like nobody’s watching. Obviously, some people around you will be watching, but who cares? Not you! They aren’t going to remember much from the festival anyway, especially by the time Blake performs. So say "fuck it" and indulge your every whim, because ironically, when you give no fucks, you usually end up getting one.

Step 8: Stay classy.
You’re really feeling this new friend... but you're on a public beach, and reentry is allowed only one time per day. Nearby locations where you can have some privacy are fairly limited. Unless your Tortuga hookup buddy has a room within walking distance, please restrain yourself till the headliners have played their last chords.  We suggest against trying anything too sexy in beach bars (no one else wants your germs) or parking lots (those car alarms can be a buzzkill).  Plus, security cameras are everywhere these days. A backseat hookup is not the ideal way to become internet-famous. 

These selfies will serve your memory later.
These selfies will serve your memory later.
Photography by James Argyropoulos

Step 9: Be safe.
Always, always play it smart. It's perfectly fine to end your relationship at the festival gates. If you do choose to go off alone with your new friend, be sure to take and share lots of supercute photos first. Keep your phone charged, GPS on, and check in with the squad so they know where you are. Know that it's OK if a makeout sesh is the farthest you want to take it, and "no" is always an option.  If both parties are respectful and consenting, use protection, because crabs belong on the beach only. 

Step 10: Have fun!
The music and vibes are all working in your favor today, so get after it and savor your festi-hookup for all it's worth. You’re young, hot, and having the time of your life. 


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