How to Hook Up at Tortuga in Ten Easy Steps

Tortuga 2016: Get after it.
Tortuga 2016: Get after it.
Photography by James Argyropoulos

This coming weekend is all about the beach, beer, babes, and, of course, America. Fort Lauderdale’s annual Tortuga Music Festival successfully sets the stage for good times and great music to be enjoyed right in our backyard.

This perfect combination of Corona Light, sunshine, and good ol’ country tunes puts everyone in a loose and friendly mood, making it prime time for snagging some tan and toned booty.  So if you’re looking to wake up Sunday in a Bahia Cabana guest room next to a perfect-ten body like I did last year, follow these ten simple guidelines on how to get lucky at Tortuga:

Step 1: Be presentation-ready.
Girls: Wax, don’t shave, because you’re not going to want your lady parts looking like they're suffering from red tide if you opt for a cooldown in the salty ocean. Boys: Tidy up that unruly beard and even out your farmer’s tan before the big day. Everyone should remember to lather on deodorant and sunscreen, because nobody likes to bang a smelly lobster. This weekend is all about peacocking, showing your best self, so remember that a fresh haircut and a few Crest strips never hurt anybody.

Leave little to the imagination.
Leave little to the imagination.
Photography by James Argyropoulos

Step 2: Dress light.
This is most likely going to be quick and dirty — anything too elaborate will only up the chances of the whole mission falling apart. Keep your ensemble to a three-item max. It’s less to take off, and less to gather when trying to bounce after the fact. Day-to-night outfits are also key, because there’s no telling whether this is going down before the sun does, and you’ll want to be able to stay on the prowl if the afternoon is slim pickings.

Step 3: Travel light.
Stick to the essentials: condoms, phone, pocket-sized hand sanitizer, gum, and, of course, cash. In case you need to make a quick getaway, you don’t want to have to worry about forgetting your Tommy Bahama chair and backpack in the back of your Uber. You also don’t want to appear as someone who has a lot of baggage, literally. Nobody is going to want to take you back to his or her place if you come with a full-on survival pack; it’s just messy. 

You'll eventually want to downsize considerably.
You'll eventually want to downsize considerably.
Photography by James Argyropoulos

Step 4: Have a flexible crew.
Definitely roll in heavy with a hot crew, but make sure to have a wingman you can break off with if booty calls. Pro tip: A wingman should be an attractive (but not more attractive) friend with either low standards or heavy beer goggles, because they’re going to need to be ready and willing to take a grenade at any time. A good-looking and rowdy squad says, “Hey! Look how much of a fun-magnet I am!” But big crowds can be intimidating, so make sure to spin off into smaller groups before making your approach on a spotted hottie.


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